


Love or Something Like It

by laurenannie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:11:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6829135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenannie/pseuds/laurenannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Fergus Cousland learns his little sister is unable to have children, he decides to do his duty and remarry. He had no intention of falling in love again but when he meets Tatiana Pentaghast all his best intentions go out the window.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction, which means it's likely terrible. But if you can't post your terrible fan faction anonymously on the internet, what else can you do with it?

Fergus Cousland swirled the drink in his glass and listened to the footsteps of the servants in the hall behind him, wondering who they were and why they were running so quickly. He heard the heavy oak door open behind him and recognized his sister’s soft footsteps along with another set of heavy footsteps. Most likely her husband. He took a deep breath and turned around, forcing himself to smile. He adored his sister, and liked her husband well enough, but he couldn’t help but worry about why they had requested a private meeting before the Landsmeet the next day. He had only arrived about thirty minutes before and he desperately wanted to get some sleep.

His forced smile quickly melted into a genuine smile upon seeing his little sister. It had been months since he had seen Elissa and he had missed her. “It’s good to see you again, Lys, but I’m exhausted. Why couldn’t this have waited until the Landsmeet tomorrow?” he asked.

Elissa looked at her husband. “Alistair and I need to discuss something with you before the Landsmeet,” she said quietly. She seemed somber and Fergus frowned.

“What’s going on Elissa?” Fergus asked.

“Will you please sit down? Maybe finish your drink?” Elissa now seemed to be avoiding the conversation she had requested.

“Is something wrong Elissa?” Fergus looked at his brother-in-law. “Alistair?”

Alistair groaned and saw down on the couch behind Fergus. “Take a seat Fergus. This isn’t going to be an easy conversation.”

Fergus frowned and perched himself and the armrest on the opposite side of the couch. Elissa took a deep breath and sat next to her husband. “Fergus,” she said quietly, “we need to talk to you about the future. About who is going to take the throne after Alistair’s death.”

Fergus could barely form the words in his shock. “What? What could possibly have brought that up?” He looked at Alistair. “Is something wrong? Are you sick?”

“I’m fine,” Alistair responded. He bit his lip. “But Elissa and I…” his voice trailed off.

“We can’t have children.” Elissa seemed to have found her voice and she spoke with the confident voice that Fergus remembered. 

Fergus bit his lip. “How can you be sure? You’re both so young. There’s plenty of time.”

Elissa shook her head sadly. “We’re sure. It’s been four years Fergus. We haven’t taken any precautions at all and it hasn’t happened. We had a feeling it wouldn’t happen.” She glanced at her husband. “Without going into too much detail, becoming a Grey Warden connects you to the blight. That taint…makes having a child impossible. With both of us tainted, having a child just isn’t going to happen.” 

Fergus sighed. “Elissa I’m really sorry to hear that.”

Elissa smirked at her husband. “We’re not going to stop trying,” she stated. “But we need to ensure the stability of Ferelden.” 

“Given what happened in Kirkwall I think we need to make sure that the kingdom has a secure succession.” Alistair paused. “It’s terrible what happened to Viscount Dumar and his son. It’s been a year, and still Kirkwall still has no clear leader. We can’t let that happen to Ferelden. By treaty, if the Theirin line ends, the Couslands are next in line for the throne.”

“But I don’t have an heir either.” Fergus finished Alistair’s thought with a sigh. 

“We know how hard losing Oriana and Oren was for you,” Elissa said. 

“But it’s been five years and I should be over it by now, right?” Fergus snapped.

“Fergus,” Elissa whispered. “That’s not…I didn’t mean...”

Fergus stood up and started pacing the room. “So you need me to get married and make a baby to secure Ferelden’s future?”

“Look Fergus,” Alistair said, “I wish there was a better way to bring this up. But I think that we need to start solidifying your position among the nobility at the Landsmeet this year. The treaties may be clear, but that doesn’t mean that some won’t try to claim the throne for themselves. Elissa and I will do what we can, but if you don’t have an heir, some might use that against you.”

Fergus sighed. “I never thought my little sister would be trying to pressure me into a political marriage.” 

“I’m your Queen now,” Elissa stated simply. “I’m not just your little sister anymore.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Fergus asked. “I assume you have someone in mind. A daughter of a powerful arl or bann?” 

Elissa shook her head. “We’re not trying to push you into an arranged marriage. We were just hoping you might consider putting yourself out there to meet someone.”

Fergus groaned. He remembered a night thirteen years before, walking down the main road in Highever. The sun was setting, and the soft light reflected on the light brown hair of the pretty young woman who approached him from the side of the road. “Pardon me, my lord, do you know where tavern is? I’m staying there with my family but I seem to have gotten turned around and I’m not sure where I’m going.” 

Fergus smiled at her. “I’ll accompany you there my lady. It’s no trouble.”

“Such kindness. My name is Oriana.” She took his outstretched arm. “Thank you so much.”

Fergus shook his head and focused back on Elissa and Alistair. “No,” he told them. “You’ll have to find someone for me. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a girl looking to be the next queen of Ferelden.” Taking a deep breath, Fergus turned and left Elissa and Alistair staring after him.

**

The next night, Fergus found himself seated next to Alistair and Elissa’s seneschal at dinner. “So, His Majesty tells me that you are looking for a young woman to marry,” the seneschal began.

Fergus choked a little on his wine. “Really?” he stammered. “I can’t believe that he would tell you that.”

Seneschal Edrington smiled. “He told me you asked him to arrange it. Did you really think His Majesty was going to make the arrangements? This is my area.”

Fergus sighed. “I suppose you would know that most advantageous match.”

The seneschal nodded. “I was actually think a foreign wife would be best. I know it seems strange, but your position among the nobility in Ferelden is already strong. However, a new ruling family might be taken as a sign of weakness outside of Ferelden. I think you’ll need an alliance with a strong family to overcome that.”

“Did you have anyone specific in mind?” Fergus asked.

“An Orlesian would probably cause more problems than it would be worth. None of the Free Marcher cities are strong enough to serve our purpose. Antiva’s a mess and there’s no way to predict what family will take power. That leaves us with the Pentaghasts.” The seneschal took a sip of his wine. “I could send a message to King Markus of Nevarra and ask him to set something up. The Pentaghast family is large and I’m sure there’s a girl of marrying age among one of the branches.” The seneschal yawned and took a bit of meat. 

Fergus gulped. “It feels strange to be talking about this like a business arrangement.”

The seneschal smirked. “With all due respect, Teryn Cousland, this is a business arrangement.” He took another sip of wine. “I will send the message tomorrow.”

Fergus licked his lips and stared down at his plate. He remembered his fourteenth birthday, when his father gifted him his first set of armor. “Couslands always do their duty, Fergus,” his father told him, adjusting Fergus’ chest plate. “You must always put the well-being of Highever and Ferelden above you own.”

Even then, his parents had never pressured him into a political marriage. When he told them he had fallen in love with Oriana, the daughter of an Antivan merchant who was wealthy but had no title, his parents had supported him completely. They had welcomed her into their family and castle without question. 

And now she was gone. Arl Howe had stolen his mother, father, wife, and son in one night. Fergus would never forgive himself for leaving his family defenseless that night. He should have refused taking his family’s troops to Ostagar early. He should have insisted on waiting the night, and then Howe wouldn’t have the opportunity to eliminate his family. Elissa had only survived because she was led out of the castle by a Grey Warden on the condition she become a Grey Warden herself. A deal which had apparently made her unable to carry on the Cousland line.

Fergus pushed his pate away. He wasn’t hungry. It had been four years. He had just always assumed he would pass the terynir to Elissa upon his death, and that she would pass it on to one of her younger children with Alistair. But Elissa wasn’t going to have children. And now Fergus was tasked with doing his duty to secure the future of not just Highever, but all of Ferelden. 

Fergus didn’t want to re-marry. He wanted Oriana. He didn’t want to have another child. He wanted Oren. But they were gone, forever. They were safe at the Maker’s side, but Fergus had been left behind to carry on. And now, whether or not he was ready, he had to move forward.


	2. Chapter 2

Tatiana Pentaghast jumped in surprise as the door to the sitting room slammed shut. She picked up her dropped embroidery and looked up at her father who had entered the room. Her father was clearly in a foul mood. A few days before he had been summoned to the royal palace in Nevarra City for a meeting by King Markus. Now he had returned to the family estate in Cumberland and it seemed he was bringing bad news.

“What happened father?” Tatiana asked.

“Go get your mother,” Georg Pentaghast snapped. “We need to discuss something.” 

Tatiana quickly stood up from the couch and slipped out of the room to find her mother. She didn’t have to go far. Her mother had clearly heard her father come home and was already making her way towards the sitting room. Sophie Pentaghast placed a hand reassuringly on her oldest daughter’s arm and guided her back into the sitting room.

Georg was pacing the room and mumbling under his breath. “What happened with King Markus?” Sophie asked. 

Tatiana’s father groaned. “His Majesty has decided that Tatiana should be sent to Ferelden to meet the teryn of Highever, Fergus Cousland. He’s looking for a wife and King Markus thinks Tatiana would be a good candidate.”

Sophie took a deep breath. “Why does King Markus want an alliance with some random Ferelden noble?”

“Fergus Cousland is not a random Ferelden noble. His younger sister is the wife of King Alistair. He is the successor to Ferelden’s throne if Alistair dies without children. This is a major alliance.” Georg sighed. “Obviously, I didn’t want to mention that we trying to a secure a different betrothal for Tatiana.”

“Wait, what?” Tatiana snapped. “I didn’t know anything about a betrothal.” Her father glared at her and Tatiana immediately felt herself cower under his glare. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “This is just a lot of information at once.”

“Maybe Frederich can marry Mariana,” Sophie suggested naming their sixteen-year-old daughter. 

Georg sighed. “I don’t know if he’ll be willing to wait for Mariana to be old enough.”

Tatiana looked back and forth between her parents, her head spinning. “Cousin Frederich? That’s who you wanted me to marry?”

Georg scowled angrily at his daughter. “Yes,” he snapped. “Frederich has more than enough gold to keep this estate running. And we needed that gold. But I couldn’t tell King Markus that.” Georg sighed. “You will leave tomorrow to visit Teryn Cousland and hopefully secure his favor.” Georg’s voice dripped with bitterness. He was a proud man, and didn’t take well to having his schemes underminded. Georg stormed out of the sitting room, leaving no doubt as to his feelings on King Markus’ plans for his daughter.

Tatiana frowned at her mother. “So…when exactly did you plan to involve me in this betrothal to Frederich?”

Sophie sighed. “Honestly, my dear, I’m surprised you’re surprised. It couldn’t have escaped your notice that we’ve had to make severe cuts to our household. If this goes on much longer we’ll be destitute!” Tatiana barely stifled her laugh at her mother’s melodramatics as her mother continued. “Your cousin Frederich has more than enough gold to get our estate running again. Your father has gone through great pains to flatter Frederich and subtlety convince Frederich that you would make a good match. I just wish I knew what we had done to earn the King’s ire.”

“What do you mean?” 

Sophie looked at her daughter exasperatedly. “Ferelden!? The highest noble in Ferelden is barely fit to be a squire in Nevarra. Fortunately, I’ve never had the torture of having to visit there, but I hear the entire country smells like wet dog. After this humiliation, Maker help us trying to make decent matches for your younger sisters.” Sophie left the room muttering, “Ruined! We’re ruined!”

Tatiana stared after her mother in amazement. She supposed she had always known her marriage would be arranged, but she had thought she might have some input. Or that her parents would at least pretend that she had some input. Frederich Pentaghast was lewd man, a few years older than Tatiana, who enjoyed boasting of his sexual encounters to the other relatives his age at family gatherings. Although he put on a stony façade of piety when surrounded by the older members of the clan and at the local chantry, her father couldn’t possibly be totally ignorant of the man’s reputation. Or perhaps he simply didn’t care. Frederich was one of the wealthier members of the clan. 

Families as large as the Pentaghasts varied greatly in their material fortunes. Tatiana had noticed that much of her family’s staff had been let go over the past few years, although she had not thought much of it. The oldest of Georg and Sophie’s four daughters, she had simply assumed staff was being released as she and her sisters grew older. Now that the youngest, Ariana, was twelve years old, full-time supervision was not needed. 

Yet, she felt her mother’s fears of destitution were a bit dramatic. As a Pentaghast, Tatiana knew she had enjoyed a sheltered upbringing. Her rare trips outside the family estate were tightly controlled and left no opportunity for Tatiana to explore or meet people. But her parents’ best efforts could not completely rid Cumberland’s streets of beggars. She knew her experience with poverty was merely academic, she had never suffered and likely never would. But that academic experience was enough to for her to know that her mother’s protests about not being able to afford enough servants were absurd. 

Of course, her alternative to Frederich was a man she had never met, who could be just the same or even worse. And he was man in a country entirely foreign to Tatiana. Though Tatiana doubted an entire country could smell like wet dog, her tutors had never bothered to spend much time on Ferelden. Barbarians, the lot of them, they had assured her. Even the ones who had settled in cities and held noble titles were not very far removed from the actual Chasind or Avaar barbarians who still roamed the Ferelden countryside.

Tatiana had to admit that her curiosity had been piqued by her tutor’s descriptions. It seemed strange, a country where one could find real nomadic barbarians roaming the countryside, where war dogs fought in battles, and the fashion emphasized the practicality of fur over the aesthetic of silks. Or that could all be just rumor. She doubted her tutor had ever been to Ferelden either.

Truth be told, Tatiana had never been anywhere, not really. Any time she was allowed to venture past the walls of her family’s estates, she was closely watched and quickly taken to her destination, which was almost always the estate of another member of the Pentaghast family. The only place she had been to outside of Cumberland was Nevarra City, for the occasional visit to the royal palace or another Pentaghast estate. The only people she knew outside of members of her family were the servants of the various estates.

Tatiana supposed that it made sense her father would want to arrange marriages within the Pentaghast clan. He had always referred to the fact that he had no son as his great shame. He had always carried an air of disdain around his four daughters. Marrying his children to Pentaghast men would be the only way his children could carry on the Pentaghast name. And now he had failed at his first try. Tatiana tried to suppress the joy that thought brought her. After all, her father had never been openly cruel to her or her sisters. Still, he had never been kind either.

Tatiana couldn’t help but feel a bit of satisfaction that her father’s plan had been foiled. But it had been foiled by another, more distant relative, arranging a different marriage for her. Tatiana briefly wondered if the beggars she had spied on the streets of Cumberland had the freedom to marry whomever they chose. If they did, she mused, they would likely give it up for the assurance of a comfortable estate and three meals a day. They would probably think Tatiana’s frustrations a small price to pay for being a member of the royal family. 

But Tatiana couldn’t help the frustration overwhelming her. She was eighteen years old and being shifted from her father’s estate to another man’s estate like a valuable piece of property. Finally, she was an adult who could explore the world, decide what she enjoyed, and pursue her interests…except she would have no idea where to begin. Her sheltered upbringing under the watchful eye of her nannies, tutors, and parents was having its desired effect. She spent her days reading and sewing, respectable past times for a woman of her station. Outside of the estate, she would have no idea what to do, how to survive…the thoughts of rebellion left her mind as quickly as they had entered. At least she was going to see Ferelden.


	3. Chapter 3

His Majesty’s seneschal had been infuriatingly fast in arranging the meeting with the Pentaghast princess, Fergus mused. It was scarcely a month after the Landsmeet, and Fergus was pacing the halls of Castle Cousland awaiting the young woman’s arrival. 

“The guest room is prepared?” he asked the steward for what felt like the hundredth time. “It has fresh linens?” It had been an embarrassingly long time since anyone other than Elissa had come to visit the castle. Fergus was not exactly a social butterfly, and would likely have almost no interaction outside Highever if it wasn’t for the constant soirees Elissa held and insisted he attend.

“Yes, Your Lordship,” the steward answered patiently. “Everything is prepared for Lady Pentaghast’s arrival.” 

Fergus forced a smile at the young man. It had been four years since he had re-taken the castle and had filled its halls with new servants after Howe’s treacherous slaughter of all the castle’s previous inhabitants. He missed the steward he had grown up with. He was older, in his sixties by the end, and had patiently served Fergus though his rambunctious childhood, rebellious teenage years, and Fergus’ years of early marriage and fatherhood. Castle Cousland had never really felt the same without the staff with which Fergus had spent all his formative years. But that wasn’t the fault of the men and women who served him, and Fergus did his best to ignore such feelings.

Fergus’ young squire, Ser Earhart, rounded the corner quickly, almost crashing into Fergus. “My apologies Your Lordship!” the young man exclaimed, his face quickly turning red in embarrassment. 

Fergus laughed. When he had brought on the gangly young man a few years before he had assumed to young man would grow into his frame and grow out of his clumsiness. So far, he hadn’t. “That’s fine. Did you need me?”

“Yes, Your Lordship. I came to inform you that Lady Pentaghast’s carriage is approaching and will arrive at the front gates momentarily.”

Fergus sighed. Time to face his responsibility. Of course, as the head of House Cousland, his marriage was entirely at his own discretion. If the young woman turned out to be totally off-putting, Fergus was under no obligation to cement the betrothal. But, even as he had snapped at Elissa and Alistair, and protested at their words, he had known there was truth there. He simply didn’t have the luxury of bachelorhood. And if he had to marry, his match should at least be advantageous to Ferelden’s interests. Unless the young woman was truly atrocious, Fergus knew he would go along with the seneschal’s plan in the end, so there was no point in fighting.

Still, he did not exactly rush to the front gates to meet the young woman. But his hesitation could not slow her carriage, and it did arrive at shortly after Fergus’ somewhat reluctant arrival. The driver dismounted smoothly and quickly opened the door for the young woman to make her exit. Fergus thought idly she must have been in the carriage a long time and was probably excited to stretch her legs. 

The first thing Fergus saw was impossibly long, impossibly golden hair. Then the young woman stood up straight and Fergus saw her impossibly deep blue eyes. “Oh, Maker,” he mumbled under his breath. “This will not do at all.”

The young woman nodded her thanks at her driver for assisting her out of the carriage and made her way to where Fergus was standing. “Teryn Cousland, I presume?” She smiled and curtsied deeply. She wore a beautiful but simple white linen dress with intricate blue embroidery around the waist. “Tatiana Pentaghast. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” 

She offered her hand to Fergus who stood, completely frozen in place. Her golden blond hair curled naturally at the ends and rested loose on her back, reaching a few inches below her shoulder blades. Her deep blue eyes were complemented by just a hint of make-up and the pinkness of her lips looked so natural that Fergus wasn’t sure if she wore lipstick or not. At least she looked the opposite of Oriana in every way. Fergus wasn’t sure if he would have been able to handle a woman who reminded him of Oriana.

A slight blush creeped onto Tatiana’s delicate white cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she said, dropping her hand. “Ferelden customs must be different.”

Suddenly, Fergus was back in reality and realized what was happening. “No, no. I’m sorry.” He reached out and took the hand Tatiana had dropped and brought it to his lips for a quick kiss. “I apologize, my Lady. My mind was elsewhere. Please pardon my bad manners.” The remaining carriages of Tatiana’s entourage arrived and her lady in waiting appeared carrying bags which Fergus’ steward quickly relieved her of. “Please my Lady, follow me and I will show you to your rooms. I am sure you are eager to freshen up after your long journey.”

“Thank you, Your Lordship,” Tatiana answered quietly, falling into step next to Fergus.

“Have you been to Ferelden before?” Fergus asked.

Tatiana smiled. “No. I’ve never been out of Nevarra. The air smells the same here, though, not like wet dog at all.” Tatiana froze and turned a deep shade of red. “I have no idea why I said that, Your Lordship. I’m so sorry…”

Tatiana’s apology was drowned out by Fergus’ booming laughter. “Ah, is that what they say in Nevarra? I must say, I’ve never understood the source of that rumor, but rest assured you are not the first to mention it.”

The tension between the two seemed to have broken with Fergus’ good humor and Fergus placed his hand on her back to guide her towards the guest rooms. “I hope you’ll find your accommodations to your liking. If you need anything at all, please just ask.”

They arrived at the suite of guest rooms and Fergus smiled kindly at his guest. “I will see you at dinner this evening Lady Pentaghast.”

Tatiana nodded slightly. “Thank you for your hospitality Your Lordship,” she said quietly and slipped into the room. 

Well, that was unexpected, Fergus thought as he made his way slowly back to his own room. He certainly had not expected the young woman to be so charming. Though it could just be the novelty of meeting someone new. Fergus had grown up with the small circle of noblewomen in Ferelden, so he never really had the experience of meeting a noblewoman for the first time. And noblewomen were trained to exceptionally charming at all times. 

Though those charming noblewomen had never wondered at the lack of wet dog smell, at least now out loud. Fergus chuckled, remembering the deep shade of red on Tatiana’s cheeks. It seemed she would be entertaining company if nothing else.


	4. Chapter 4

Tatiana had changed into a silk lilac dress for dinner with Fergus. Sitting across from him at the dining table, Tatiana sipped her wine while Fergus told a story about a family hunting trip he had taken with his parents and sister when he was young. The steward had discreetly told Tatiana the story of the deaths of Fergus’ parents, first wife, and son when he come to fetch her for dinner. Tatiana was exceedingly grateful. She would have surely said something embarrassing had she not known. She had noticed Fergus’ age when she arrived, and had wondered why he wasn’t already married. The steward had saved her from truly putting her foot in her mouth.

“Do you enjoy hunting?” Fergus asked after finishing his story.

“Ah, well, I’ve never been actually,” Tatiana responded. “My father’s views were fairly, um, conservative. He never would have considered hunting an acceptable hobby for his daughter.”

Fergus smiled. “People did comment about Father’s treatment of Elissa. Many people thought he did not raise her to be a proper lady.”

“Her being crowned Queen must have caused them some embarrassment.”

Fergus laughed. “A great many things are forgotten when you slay an archdemon. Elissa can now do no wrong. I suppose she does deserve some adulation, however. Saving the world from the Blight and such.”

Tatiana smiled. “So all it takes to gain acceptance of the Ferelden nobility is slaying an archdemon. Good to know. I’ll be sure to make that a priority.”

Fergus chuckled. “How have you enjoyed Ferelden so far? Aside from the excellent air quality, that is.”

Tatiana blushed. “The air is indeed excellent Your Lordship. And everyone here has been so kind. I’m also glad to see that my clothes are not out of place.” Fergus’ quizzical look made Tatiana stutter. “People’s clothes aren’t all made out of fur in Ferelden, are they?” A slow smile spread across Fergus’ face as he shook his head. Tatiana groaned and buried her head in her hands. “I’m starting to think my tutor had no idea what he was talking about.”

Fergus was laughing so hard tears were rolling down his face. “What else did they tell you about Ferelden?”

“I assure you Your Lordship I am thoroughly humiliated at my lack of knowledge. I think my cheeks might permanently be red at this point.”

“Please tell me. I’m dying to know what else you’ve been told to expect.”

“Well, there was something about barbarian nomads. And werewolves,” Tatiana was speaking so quietly now that Fergus could barely hear her.

“Ah, well,” he said, shrugging as he took a sip of wine, no longer laughing. “That part’s true. Though I think Elissa took care of the werewolves during the Blight.”

It was Tatiana’s turn to laugh. “I’ll be sure to inform my tutor about the lack of werewolves on my return to Cumberland.”

“What about everything else?”

Tatiana shrugged and took a bit of her meal. “We wouldn’t want to completely ruin Ferelden’s sense of mystery amongst the Nevarrans,” she said smirking.

Fergus expression was softer now. “No,” he whispered, “I support we wouldn’t.” Tatiana felt her heart leap in her chest, the same way it had earlier when Fergus had placed his hand on her back while leading her to her room. She felt that blush creeping up her cheeks again and focused intently on her dinner plate in front of her. 

Thank the Maker, it seemed Fergus was nothing like Frederich.

**

After dinner, Tatiana took the opportunity to wander the gardens outside of Castle Cousland. Enjoying the feeling of the cool wind across her cheeks, Tatiana wandered among the rosebushes until she found a patch of wildflowers hidden at the very back. Obviously not part of the tended garden, Tatiana thought, smiling as she reached down to pick a bright yellow flower. She brought the flower to her nose, enjoying its sweet scent.

“I think the gardener will be disappointed.” Fergus’ voice behind her surprised her and she almost made her jump. She turned around. He was smiling, walking towards her with his hands behind his back. “He spends so much time tending to the roses, yet you seem to be enjoying the wildflowers he hasn’t had the time to get rid of yet.”

“The roses are incredibly beautiful,” Tatiana told him. “But the wildflowers remind me of my family’s estate in Cumberland. We don’t have a gardener. So our garden is a patch of grass filled with wildflowers. My sisters and I would spend hours there, having picnics and tea parties.”

“Tell me about your sisters.”

“Mariana is sixteen, Adriana is fourteen, and Ariana is twelve. Mariana is the troublemaker. If our parents knew half the things she did.” Tatiana laughed. “She’s the only one with the guts to leave the estate without my parents’ knowledge or permission. She doesn’t get into any trouble, I think it’s just the allure of doing something forbidden. Adriana is so talented. She paints and sings. Our bedrooms in Cumberland are filled with her paintings. You might be interested in some of her representations of Ferelden. Fur-encased people fighting werewolves.” Fergus laughed and Tatiana continued. “Ariana is so quiet. I worry about her. She’s the youngest and she’s so painfully shy. I don’t know how she’ll handle the family without the rest of us there. Our parents can be fairly imposing and I worry she won’t be able to stand up for herself.” Not that I’m much different, Tatiana thought to herself.

“Mariana sounds a bit like Elissa,” Fergus told her. “I think my parents knew what she was up to, though, but she didn’t know that they knew. But I think they wanted her to be that way. Fiercely independent and stubborn. It worked out well.” Fergus paused. “And what about you? If I asked your sisters to describe you, what would they tell me?”

“Probably that I’m bossy.”

Fergus laughed. “Seriously. Are you a troublemaker? Artistic? Shy?”

Tatiana didn’t answer. She looked up at the sky, bright with stars. It looked different from the sky in Cumberland, though she knew logically it was the same. Who was she? She was her parent’s daughter. She had always done what was expected of her. That’s who she was. Whoever she needed to be to that moment, that day. “I’m the do-er,” she finally answered. “I see what’s needed and I make it happen. I come up with tales to cover for Mariana’s absences. I convince the staff to get Adriana her painting supplies even though my father considers it a waste of time. I protect Ariana from our crueler family members and tell my parents what she needs because Maker knows she won’t do it herself.” Tatiana sighed. “And I worry about leaving them.”

Fergus smiled. “It almost sounds like you’re the head of the house.”

Tatiana smiled. “Only the domestic aspects, I assure you. My father would never leave the financial affairs in the hands of a woman.”

There was no response, and after a moment Tatiana glanced over at Fergus. He was staring her at with the same soft, wistful expression she had seen at dinner. But here there was no dinner plate to occupy her attention this time. The place to look was directly into his eyes. His deep brown, kind eyes. 

Tatiana had never kissed a boy. When would she have the chance, under the constant supervision of her family? But she very much wanted to kiss Fergus in that moment. But she would never have the courage to initiate the kiss and she had no idea if Fergus was feeling the same excited flutters in his chest as she was in hers. So she just stood, and waited to see what Fergus would do.

Fergus broke her gaze and looked back at the rose garden behind them. “Will you walk the gardens with me?” he asked her, looking back at her with a smile.

“Yes,” she answered, hoping that her disappointment wasn’t showing. 

“May I hold your hand?”  


Words left Tatiana at that point and she was merely able to nod. Fergus grabbed her left hand and Tatiana was surprised how warm it felt. Though that may have been the shock of electricity she felt running up her arm at his touch. Perhaps it was for the best he had not kissed her. She might not have been able to keep standing if he had. 

Slowly, Fergus led her through the maze of rosebushes and towards the castle. They didn’t speak but Tatiana noted that the silence between them was comfortable. She could hear Fergus’ breaths beside her and the sound was soothing. She never wanted the walk to end, but of course they did reach the castle, though Tatiana noted with some pleasure that Fergus had taken the longest possible route to get there. 

Fergus didn’t drop her hand as they entered castle and he slowly walked her back to her room. As they reached the door he finally spoke. “Good night, Lady Pentaghast.” He raised her hand to his mouth and gave her a light kiss and one final smile before dropping her hand and walking away.

Yes, Tatiana thought to herself as she went into her room. Much better than Frederich.


	5. Chapter 5

Fergus didn’t sleep much that night. At first light, he rose and put on full armor. His squire seemed a bit surprised to see him so dressed but didn’t say a word except “Yes, Your Lordship,” upon receiving Fergus’ instructions. Fergus ate breakfast in his quarters, not wishing to impose his presence upon Tatiana too early. He still wasn’t entirely sure how much makeup she wore, she always looked so natural, but Oriana had taught him that women needed sufficient time in the morning to prepare themselves before presenting.

When it seemed an appropriate hour, Fergus sought out his steward and confirmed that Tatiana had already eaten breakfast and was in her rooms. Fergus knocked on the door and smiled at the servant who answered the door.

He looked past the servant and saw Tatiana on the couch, reading a book. She was wearing an icy blue sundress. That was probably as casual as she was going to get. He smiled as he wondered if Tatiana even owned a pair of pants. 

“Your Lordship,” the servant said, bowing deeply. “To what do we owe this pleasure?”

At her servant’s greeting, Tatiana looked up from her book and smiled. Fergus happily returned the smile and then returned his gaze to the servant. “If I may please have a word with Lady Pentaghast.”

Tatiana was already on her feet and smoothing her dress. The servant smiled and stepped aside so that Tatiana could approach the doorway. “Are you off to combat training?” she asked with a smile, taking in Fergus’ armor.

“Yes,” he answered. “In a sense. And so are you?”

“What?”

“If you’re intent on killing an archdemon to win the favor of Ferelden nobility, you’re going to need some weapons training.”

Tatiana looked down at her dress. “Fergus, I didn’t really bring anything to wear for weapons training.”

“I figured as much. I thought we would stick to archery lessons for now. No actual combat so you won’t need armor. Plus, it has the added benefit of being a skill transferable to hunting, should you ever feel so inclined.”

Tatiana laughed. “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely.” Fergus offered his arm, and Tatiana laughingly accepted it.

“Are you worried I’ll accidently shoot you?” she asked. “Is that why you’re in full armor?”

“Erm, yes. No offense,” Fergus added quickly. “But I’ve trained novices before and I’ve learned it’s best to just prepare for the worse.”

“This is crazy. You’re crazy.” Tatiana shook her head but she was smiling. 

Fergus lead Tatiana to the castle’s training grounds where his squire had prepared two sets of bows and arrows per Fergus’ earlier instruction. Fergus noticed Tatiana’s confused expression as she picked up the bow and turned it over in her hands. “You don’t know how to hold a bow, do you?” It wasn’t really a question. Tatiana looked at Fergus and shook her head, blushing a little. “OK. We will start at the very beginning.”

**

Fergus stood behind Tatiana and patiently corrected her arm positions as she held her bow and arrow and prepare to fire at the training dummy. “OK,” he whispered when she was ready. “Go.”

As soon as Fergus moved his hands, Tatiana moved her arms back into the incorrect position, causing the arrow to fly erratically through the air to land absolutely nowhere near the training dummy. “Fergus, I am so bad at this!” Tatiana exclaimed.

Fergus tried to stifle a laugh but was entirely unsuccessful. “Yeah, you kind of are.” They had been at it for an hour with no noticeable improvement. “Maybe you shouldn’t seek out that archdemon. Or go hunting.”

Tatiana shrugged. “I’m sorry Fergus. It was a very sweet thought, but I just don’t think weapons training is my thing.”

She laughed, and the movement of her shoulders bounced her hair ever so slightly. Fergus wanted to kiss her. Badly. He coughed and licked his lips, trying to move his gaze to absolutely anywhere but her eyes. He wasn’t sure of course, but Tatiana’s description of her upbringing left Fergus with the distinct impression that her father would skin him alive if he dared to touch his daughter. 

Maker, this was…not supposed to happen. Fergus had readied himself for marrying again, but he had not readied himself…for whatever this was. He distinctly remembered noblewomen being boring. Or was that just Ferelden nobles? As much as he was, surprisingly, enjoying Tatiana’s company, he just wasn’t sure he was ready for this. Whatever this was. He wondered how he would explain to Elissa that he wasn’t going to go forward with the betrothal to Tatiana because he liked her too much. Tatiana was young, incredibly beautiful, smart, funny…surely her father would have no trouble arranging a different betrothal for her if Fergus were to send his regrets to Nevarra after the visit concluded. 

The thought of Tatiana marrying someone else bothered Fergus more than he cared to admit.

Fergus realized the silence between the two of them had become uncomfortable and he cleared his throat. “Well, I have to admit…I didn’t expect you to be this bad at this.”

“Fergus! Now you’re just being mean.”

Fergus smirked at her. “Maybe we should take this away…” He exaggerated his slow movements relieving Tatiana of the bow and arrows as though it were an exceptionally dangerous object, placing it gently on the ground next to her. “Now, walk away slowly…” he told her, taking slow, exaggerated steps backward. 

Tatiana laughed, her hand on her hip. “You’ve hurt my feelings now.” She placed her hand over her heart. “I’m wounded.” She looked at Fergus with the most adorable little pout...

Maker, was she doing this on purpose? Fergus gulped. “Well,” he said, hoping and tone was light and playful, “I’m just glad we didn’t try daggers. Or Maker, swords. That would have been a disaster. I would have to explain to your father why you were returning to Nevarra in small pieces.”

Tatiana rolled her eyes. “OK, you’ve made your point. I will be keeping a safe distance from weapons from now on.” Tatiana smiled. “Perhaps I’ll visit the library and see what books you have. Far less dangerous.”

Fergus bowed. “Of course, my Lady. Perhaps I should post guards at the door just in case. You know, papercuts.”

Tatiana tried to flash an angry look at Fergus but was laughing much too hard for it to be convincing. “Well, Teryn Cousland, my father will be relieved at the measures you’ve taken to make sure I return to Nevarra in one piece.” She walked away, smiling.

Maker, this would not do at all.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a long trip back to Nevarra for Tatiana. Of course, it wasn’t any longer than her initial journey to Highever, but everything felt different this time. On the trip over, her thoughts had alternated between despair and furious anger. Tatiana had felt helpless, her only hope being that Fergus Cousland wasn’t as disgusting as her cousin Frederich. There had been plenty of self-pity, and a few not very well thought out ideas about how to run away from the ship and carriage rides, respectively. 

The trip back was worse. Fergus Cousland was not only not as disgusting as her cousin Frederich, he was…nice. And he smelled nice. And Tatiana found herself constantly hoping he would touch her. Kiss her hand, brush against her shoulder, anything to feel his touch on her skin. 

But every moment she had spent with him, she had silently, desperately hoped for him to kiss her. And he never did. Tatiana didn’t know what to make of that. She worried that it meant she was alone in everything that she had felt. She wondered if there was someone else, another girl that had perhaps caught his attention in ways she had not. Perhaps a girl who was not so shy, and could have initiated a kiss herself.

And where did that leave her? With Frederich. If the thought of marrying Frederich had upset her before, it made her feel positively ill after meeting Fergus. Maker, she wished she had never met Fergus. If their meeting was only meant to show her what she could not have, she wished it had never happened. 

When she reached her family’s estate in Cumberland, she forced herself to smile as her sisters ran out to greet her upon her return. She even managed to explain to Adriana that there were no werewolves in Ferelden and the people did not dress head to toe in fur. She had a picnic with Ariana and braided her younger sister’s hair.

Everything was the same but everything had changed.

**

“Tatiana?” Mariana’s voice was soft, as though she was afraid someone would overhear. 

Tatiana looked up from her sewing and smiled at her sister. It was the morning after Tatiana’s return. Tatiana wondered how long her parents would wait to see if Fergus was going to request a betrothal before moving forward with their plans to match Tatiana with Frederich. “Is there something you need?” Tatiana hoped her voice sounded steady, calm, normal.

“Tell me about Ferelden.” Mariana sat down next to her sister on the couch. “What was it like?”

Tatiana laughed. “Planning an escape? I don’t think I could cover for you that long Mariana.”

“I’m just curious.” Mariana shrugged. “You’ve been so quiet since you got back. Was it terrible? Is the Teryn as bad as Frederich?”

Tatiana couldn’t stop the tears at Mariana’s question. She shook her head silently.

“Tati? What’s wrong?” Marianna scooted close to her sister and put her arm over her sister’s shoulder.

“Ferelden was lovely. I’m sad because I didn’t want to come back. Fergus was wonderful. But I don’t think I impressed him as much as he impressed me.” Tatiana looked at her hands. “I don’t want to marry Frederich. But I don’t think I’m going to have a choice.”

“If you want to go back to Ferelden, just go! You’re an adult. Mom and Dad can’t stop you. They can’t force you to marry Frederich.”

“Oh, Mariana, I wish I had your guts. Let’s say I do walk out that front door. What then? How do I get to Ferelden? Or more importantly, how do I get my next meal? Where would I sleep? And if Mom and Dad want me to marry Frederich and I refuse they’ll shove me out that front door and I’ll have the same problem.”

“You’ll think of something. Surely you can find a way to make coin.”

“Mariana, why do you always come back?”

“What?”

“When you sneak out, you always come back. Why don’t you just find a way to make coin and live on your own?”

Mariana dropped her eyes, understanding Tatiana’s point. “I don’t really have guts, do I?”

Tatiana dropped her head onto Mariana’s shoulder. “We have each other. And if I do marry Frederich I’ll still be here. That’ll be nice.”

“You never know, Tati. Maybe Fergus does like you.”

Tatiana sighed. “I’m not going to hold my breath.” She looked out the window of the sitting room and saw her families “garden” and wildflowers. This could be enough. It would have to be.

**

Days passed with no word from Fergus. Thankfully, her parents didn’t seem to be pushing the issue with Frederich either. Tatiana spent her days with her sisters, especially Adriana. Adriana wanted to paint a more realistic portrait of Ferelden, so she hammered Tatiana for every little detail about what she had seen. Unfortunately, Tatiana lacked her sister’s creative vision and hadn’t really noticed all of the little details Adriana was asking for. It was a long, arduous process of Adriana making a sketch and Tatiana trying to explain why it wasn’t quite right.

Three weeks after returning from Ferelden, Tatiana sat with Ariana on the back porch of the estate, braiding Ariana’s fine blond hair. She vaguely heard the noises of an arrival at the front entrance but paid little attention, focused on her task at hand. Ariana was playing with her dolls and not doing a very good job of staying still which made Tatiana’s job much more difficult than necessary. 

Suddenly, Mariana burst onto the porch. “Tatiana!” she cried. “You didn’t tell us Fergus was coming!”

Surprised, Tatiana pulled Ariana’s hair much tighter than usual eliciting a cry of pain from the little girl. Unfortunately for Ariana, Tatiana’s mind was elsewhere and she didn’t notice the discomfort she was causing her little sister. “Fergus? I didn’t know he was coming.”

“He’s here.” Mariana dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “He’s gorgeous. You left that part out of your stories!”

“Stop!” Ariana had finally had enough and pulled herself free from Tatiana’s tight grasp. “I don’t want a braid anymore,” she whined pouting and rubbing her sore head.

“I’m sorry Ariana. I didn’t mean to…” Tatiana turned back to Mariana. “Are you sure it’s Fergus?”

Mariana laughed. “Is there more than one Teryn Cousland? Because that’s how he introduced himself.”

Tatiana looked down. “I’m covered in dirt and sitting on the ground. Maker, why did he have to come while I was covered in dirt and sitting on the ground!? And of course, I’m wearing white, because that just makes it look worse.” 

Mariana laughed. “We could tell him to leave. Make an excuse…”

“Maker don’t do that!” Tatiana quickly stood and tried to smooth her white sundress to absolutely no avail. “Maker!”

“I had no idea you were so religious Tatiana. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call on the Maker with such frequency before,” Mariana teased.

The door to the house opened again, this time with Tatiana’s father and Fergus on the other side of the door. Tatiana took note of her father’s sour expression. “Tatiana, you have a visitor.” Her father’s voice dripped with contempt. He was clearly not pleased by this turn of events. 

“Fergus, it’s lovely to see you.” Tatiana held onto Ariana’s shoulders for dear life. She wasn’t feeling quite steady on her feet yet. “This is my youngest sister, Ariana.” She gestured towards Mariana. “And another of my sisters, Mariana.”

“It’s a pleasure,” Fergus said, taking one of Mariana’s hands and kissing it gently. “And of course, it’s also a pleasure to meet you Ariana.” Fergus took one of Ariana’s small hands and kissed it as well. Ariana responded by pulling her hand away and turning into Tatiana, trying to hide herself in Tatiana’s dress.

Tatiana laughed. “Ariana is very shy.”

“Yes,” Fergus said, smiling. “I remember you told me that.” He leaned down a little. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you Ariana. I didn’t mean to. Can you forgive me?”

Ariana didn’t respond but turned around to face Fergus again. “I think that’s a yes,” Tatiana told him.

Fergus laughed. “It’s a pleasure to meet all of you, though I was hoping for a private word with Tatiana if you wouldn’t mind.” He flashed a smile at Mariana and Tatiana could’ve sworn Mariana’s legs shook a little.

“Of course,” Mariana said, gaining her composure with admirable speed. She took Ariana’s hand. “Come on Ariana, let’s go inside and I’ll finish your braid.” Mariana lead Ariana back into the house. Tatiana noticed her father remained silent although he followed his two daughters into the house.

“Ah, Lady Pentaghast, I think I failed to give you a proper greeting.” Fergus took Tatiana’s hand and brushed his lips softly against her knuckles and Tatiana’s legs definitely shook a little. “I believe that is the second time I have presented with poor manners. I can’t imagine what you must think of me.”

Tatiana opened her mouth to form words. Any words. “I’m surprised to see you. Pleasantly of course.” She again attempted to smooth her sundress, but it would not cooperate. “I wasn’t expecting you.” 

Fergus cocked his head. “Really? I wrote your father a letter stating I was coming. I assumed he would tell you.”

A string of extremely unflattering words about her father ran through Tatiana’s mind. Of course he hadn’t told her. He was probably hoping the boat would sink and then Tatiana would be free to marry Frederich. “No, Your Lordship, he did not tell me.”

Fergus smiled. “Well, now I know you always look amazing, even when not expecting company.” His voice was kind, soft, and perhaps sensual? Tatiana wondered if she was reading into things.

“Well, Your Lordship continues to have a talent for making me blush.” Tatiana felt as though even her ears must be blazing red by that point. 

“I much prefer it when you call me Fergus.” Fergus’ voice was soft and Tatiana knew she wasn’t reading into things.

“I much prefer Tatiana to Lady Pentaghast.”

Fergus smiled at that and took Tatiana’s hand into his own. Maker, it still sent electricity through her arm. “Your garden is beautiful.”

Tatiana laughed and gazed over the wildflowers. “I’m afraid the full range of my family’s gardening talents is on display here.”

“I told the gardener not to get rid of that patch of wildflowers. I think it’s the perfect addition to my garden.” Fergus paused, and Tatiana enjoyed the comfortable silence between them. 

After a few moments, Fergus continued. “Tatiana, I enjoyed your visit to Ferelden very much.”

Tatiana found the strength to hold Fergus’ gaze without blushing or looking away. Or at least without looking away. “I enjoyed it as well.”

“Tatiana, I…” Fergus faltered and Tatiana had to wonder if his heart was beating as quickly as hers. He tried again. “Tatiana, I came to Nevarra to speak to your father but I wanted to speak to you first. I could never in good conscience request a betrothal without making sure it’s something you might want as well. I don’t wish to impose myself on you and if you don’t feel the same, I can go…” Fergus’ voice trailed off.

Tatiana could hear her heartbeat in her ears. Maker, it was loud. Surely, Fergus could hear it too. She opened her mouth. She needed words. Why was it so hard to make words? “Fergus, I wouldn’t object to you talking to my father about a betrothal.” The words seemed so formal and cold. She wanted to throw herself into Fergus’ arms and kiss him, but she would never have the courage to go through with that particular fantasy. 

Fergus smiled. “I brought you something.” He let go of Tatiana’s hand and reached into his pocket. “It’s nothing really. It just caught my eye while I was in Highever waiting for the boat, and I thought that, well, I thought I should get you something…” Fergus pulled out a delicate silver chain with a colorful opal dangling from it. “The colors caught my eye, and I thought perhaps you might like it.”

Tatiana grinned. “It’s beautiful Fergus.” She paused. “Can you put on it me?”

Fergus grinned. “Of course.” He whispered. He leaned close to secure the necklace around her neck while Tatiana held her hair back. He was so close. His chest pressed against hers. She felt his breath on her cheek while he fumbled with the chain. His fingers were brushing against the back of her neck while he was working on the clasp. She wanted him to kiss her. She needed him to kiss her. She caught his eyes. His face was a mere inches from hers. Maker, he was right there!

“It looks good on you,” Fergus said as he pulled away. 

The parts of her neck touched his by fingers were burning. Tatiana was torn between pulling him into a kiss herself and punching him for being that close and doing nothing. Instead she toyed with her new necklace and smiled. “Thank you Fergus.”

Fergus squeezed her arm affectionately. “I’m going to speak to your father now.” And then he was gone.

Tatiana sighed. Maker, she was either going need to get some of Mariana’s nerve or prepare herself for a very long betrothal.


	7. Chapter 7

Tatiana had described her father as “imposing,” and Fergus decided that was an apt description. He sat across from Fergus in the family’s study, glaring and not saying a word. It was the complete opposite of the scene twelve years prior when Fergus had visited Antiva City to cement a betrothal with Oriana’s father. Her father was so excited that Fergus could barely get a word in. 

Georg Pentaghast just glared. “Lord Pentaghast,” Fergus began uncertainly.

“This is absurd,” Georg snapped. Fergus flinched at his harsh tone. “It’s no secret why you came to Cumberland. King Markus made it clear he wanted this betrothal by instructing me send Tatiana for a visit. Obviously, you want this betrothal or you wouldn’t be here. This is a waste of time. There is nothing to negotiate; I have no power to override the King’s wishes. We both know the endgame. Return to Ferelden and make the arrangements. We will send Tatiana when you request.”

Fergus sat, stunned. “Lord Pentaghast, wouldn’t you like to pick a suitable date for your family as well? I don’t want to be an inconvenience, and I’m sure we can accommodate your schedule.”

“We will not be attending the wedding.”

Fergus wasn’t sure how to respond. “I’m sure Tatiana would much prefer you be there, and I will of course support that.”

Georg scoffed. “You will soon learn, Teryn Cousland, that women prefer many things. Many expensive things. With a wife and four daughters, I couldn’t possibly afford all their preferences. We cannot attend a wedding all the way in Ferelden, because I am sure my wife and other three daughters would prefer to eat.”

Fergus licked his lips. Clearly the man did not care for subtlety. “Lord Pentaghast I would be happy to finance your family’s attendance at the wedding. I will happily pay all the transportation expenses, and of course your family may stay at the castle where all your needs will be met.”

Georg sighed. “I suppose we could spare the time for attendance if the finances are all arranged. Of course, we would need to purchase new clothing for such an affair, which could get expensive as well.” He stared at Fergus expectantly. 

Fergus arched an eyebrow. Most nobles would not so brazenly grovel for coin. “I will happily hire the best Ferelden tailors to make clothing for your family. If you give me your measurements the clothes will be waiting for you.”

“I think we should use Nevarran tailors for this. The local tailors know my family and exactly what we need. If you could be so kind as to give me the gold now I could make the arrangements.”

“I’m afraid I don’t carry that amount of coin with me on my travels, my Lord.”

“Perhaps upon your return you can send a courier with the coin. Now, that will necessitate that the tailors expedite the order, which will cost extra.”

“If that is what is needed for your family to attend, I am happy to send the extra.”

For the first time since Fergus’ arrival, Georg smiled. “Then let us make the arrangements.”

A few minutes later, Fergus and Georg left the office and found the rest of the family in the sitting room, waiting for their arrival. Fergus smiled at the sight of the opal around Tatiana’s neck. The multi-colored gem had caught his eye because it was so bright…like Tatiana. 

Fergus was happier than he had been in years. It terrified him. He knew how much it hurt to lose a person you care for. He knew what it was like to feel empty. That’s what had hit him the hardest after learning of his family’s death. Initially, there was the crushing grief and despair. The unbridled anger at Arl Howe. The desperate thirst for revenge that could not be satisfied because Elissa had already killed Howe. But after that, there was the nothingness. The emptiness. There was a strange comfort in it, in going about his days knowing that nothing really mattered anymore. Everything that had mattered was gone. He didn’t worry, didn’t stress over the daily functions of running the teryn because it was all meaningless.

Things mattered now. But no matter how much that scared him, he couldn’t stay away. He could pretend it was still about duty, about securing the Cousland line. That was the only thing that made it tolerable, that abated the terror he felt. But when he was alone, when the castle was quiet and he was left to his own thoughts, the terror returned. Because it wasn’t about duty. And yet…after Tatiana had left he had sat down to write a letter thanking her for her visit and wishing her well in life, perhaps implying a betrothal to someone else. But he couldn’t write the words. No matter how much the thought of bringing her permanently into his life and committing to her completely terrified him, he knew that was what he was going to do.

Because he felt something for her. He hesitated to call it love. It was too soon. But he felt a fierce desire to care for her and protect her. He wanted to spend time with her and learn everything she thought about everything in life. He wanted to feel her by his side and hear her breathing, knowing she was safe. He wanted…well, he wanted to do a great many things with her. But above all, he wanted her. All of her. 

“Fergus and I have agreed to a betrothal between him and Tatiana. The wedding shall be in three months, enough time to prepare for an occasion of such…magnitude.” He smiled at Fergus, but it was insincere, more a smirk than a smile. “After all, it is not every day the next potential king of Ferelden takes a wife. I’m sure it will be quite the spectacle.”  


Fergus couldn’t understand the man. It was though he was trying to rile Fergus into backing out of the betrothal by his brazen demands for Fergus to spend his wealth. But why? Fergus was set to be the next king of Ferelden. Even though the Pentaghasts could not know of Elissa’s fertility troubles, would not know how certain Fergus’ fate was, he was still the brother of the Queen. The head of the second most powerful family in Ferelden. Or perhaps the most powerful. A Theirin might sit on the throne, but he was a bastard. There were still some who doubted his claim to the royal bloodline, though his striking resemblance to the former king certainly worked in his favor. 

But even those who held that viewpoint seemed to be appeased by King Alistair’s marriage to a Cousland, which had always been one of the most, if not the most, respected families in the nation. Even if Alistair was a fake, any child he and Elissa bore would also be of the Cousland line, and therefore still noble by birth. And even so, Fergus had been approached by enough nobles at the yearly Landsmeet whose veiled comments made him believe he could have taken the throne if he was so inclined.

He wasn’t so inclined. The problems of ruling a country were not ones he wished to endure. He had no reason to doubt the truthfulness of his brother-in-law and his supporters. King Alistair had always seemed a reluctant ruler to Fergus, and Fergus had a hard time picturing him as a power-hungry commoner lying his way to the throne. He had never once considered trying to dethrone the Theirin line, and even now would be overjoyed if Elissa bore a child. Not only because of the joy it would bring his beloved sister, but also because he would be able to remain in the terynir.

In contrast, Tatiana’s family line was a distant branch of the line on the Nevarran throne. Tatiana had mentioned her father was fifty-sixth in line to the throne. Sophie Pentaghast had been a member of a small noble family whose fortune had fallen so far that her parents didn’t even own an estate. On paper, it seemed clear to Fergus that the marriage was far more advantageous politically to Georg Pentaghast. Yet, Georg had seemed positively livid about not having any say in the match and not being able to overrule the King’s position on the matter. His demands of Fergus seemed to be contrived to goad Fergus into leaving without the betrothal. It made no sense. 

But as he caught Tatiana’s gaze, any frustration with the patriarch’s actions faded away. Fergus was not a man who could be swayed once he had made up his mind. Still, he couldn’t help but be glad Tatiana’s family would be far away and therefore unlikely to visit often. “I’m looking forward to welcoming your family at my castle,” Fergus stated, not taking his eyes off Tatiana.

“Well, I’m afraid we were not aware you would arrive today and did not make any arrangements for a visitor, so we will have to ask you to take your leave. We are unable to offer you dinner or a place to stay this evening, but you will find Cumberland has many taverns with good food and comfortable beds.”

Tatiana broke her gaze with Fergus and faced her father. “Father! Surely even though it’s late, arrangements could be made. It’s just one person, not an entire army.”  


Georg shot his daughter an angry look and Fergus saw Tatiana physically shrink back into the couch. “No Tatiana. Arrangements cannot be made,” he snapped.

“I apologize Father.” Tatiana’s voice was so soft Fergus could barely hear her. Fergus frowned. His own father had never ruled his family with the iron grip it seemed Georg Pentaghast had over his family. 

“It is no trouble,” Fergus stated. “It was a pleasure meeting all of you. Tatiana spoke highly of her family and I see why.” He smiled at them, especially at Tatiana’s three sisters. It was a shame Georg Pentaghast didn’t seem to appreciate his daughters. All of the girls were beautiful, each with a different shade of blond hair and each with the same deep blue eyes.

One of the girls took a deep breath and reach behind the couch to grab something. It must be Adriana, Fergus thought, the sister he had not met on the porch. “Teryn Cousland, I have a gift for you. To celebrate your betrothal with my sister.” It was a canvas, Fergus noticed, remembering Tatiana had told him Adriana was a gifted painter. “Tatiana informs me that it is inaccurate portrayal of your country. However, I thought you might like it anyway. I will be sure to paint something better after I visit for Tatiana’s wedding.”

Fergus’ smile spread even wider as he examined the canvas. It the painting of barbarians, head to toe in fur, in battle with werewolves. It was really quite good. And bloody. The barbarians were clearly winning the battle, and the snow around the werewolf pack was stained red with blood. “It’s wonderful!” he exclaimed. “Thank you. I look forward to seeing more your work.”

A familiar blush creeped onto Adriana’s cheeks. “I am glad Your Lordship likes it.”

“Loves it,” Fergus corrected jovially. He crossed the room to Tatiana and took her hand. “I shall take my leave and not impose on your hospitality any longer.” He kissed her hand gently. “I am glad this trip was so…agreeable.” He brushed his thumb across her hand, earning a cough from Georg Pentaghast. Fergus forlornly placed Tatiana’s hand gently on her lap. “Goodbye Lady Pentaghast,” he whispered before turning and leaving the sitting room with Georg, who guided him out of the estate without a word.

Fergus watched as Georg quickly closed the front door behind him. Twelve years ago, Oriana’s father had thrown an impromptu party, sending his servants into a frenzy arranging the food and wine and hand-delivering the hurried invitations. It had been several days before Fergus had been able to separate himself from the festivities to return to Ferelden to plan the actual wedding. Georg Pentaghast would certainly be a…different kind of father-in-law. 

But that didn’t matter. Even though he was clearly opposed to the betrothal for whatever reason, he was powerless to stop it. Taking comfort in that, Fergus turned and walked towards the docks, where he had spotted a tavern upon his arrival and he could arrange for a ship to return to Ferelden. In a few months, he would be married to Tatiana. The thought thrilled and terrified him.


	8. Chapter 8

Tatiana’s parents were clearly distraught over her betrothal. Her father moaned at dinner that evening about becoming irrelevant. “I was trying to arrange for your marriages into more powerful branches of the Pentaghast family. But with this alliance with a Dog Lord, we’ll be the laughing stock of the family. No Pentaghast will marry you girls.”

“Perhaps,” Sophie stated, “we could arrange matches with the Van Markhams instead.” The Van Markhams were the second most powerful family in Nevarra, the only other family to have held the throne.

Georg laughed bitterly. “You think Van Markhams will marry Pentaghast cast-offs. No, we’ll be lucky to marry to girls to minor nobility now. Like your family,” he sneered at his wife.

Sophie’s nostrils flared with anger at his comment, but she said nothing. With that, Georg stormed off from the table. After a few moments, Sophie sighed and followed her husband out of the dining room.

As soon as Sophie’s steps faded away, Mariana spoke up. “Don’t listen to them Tatiana. It’s obvious why you like Fergus so much. And apparently you’ve spared the rest of us from being forced to marry the likes Frederich. Maybe they’ll actually be some decent men among the minor nobility.”

Tatiana laughed. “I’ll keep my eye out in Ferelden too. Dog Lords for everybody.”

Adriana raised her glass in a toast. “To Fereldan Dog Lords!”

Tatiana was overwhelmed with a rush of gratitude for her sisters. Living with her parents would have been intolerable without them. All she could do was pray the Maker would watch over them after she left. Mariana would just have to stop sneaking out so much. Perhaps Tatiana could find a way from Ferelden for Adriana’s painting supplies to be delivered. But Ariana…for Ariana all Tatiana could do was pray.

**

Tatiana was surprised when her father handed her a letter from Fergus one month later. The letter had arrived with a package Georg took immediately, stating that it was something he and Fergus had discussed as part of the betrothal. He handed the letter to Tatiana though. Considering that her father hadn’t bothered to tell her about the first letter Fergus had sent, Tatiana was surprised that her father hadn’t confiscated the letter. She slipped away into her bedroom and eagerly broke the wax seal on the envelope and pulled out the parchment to read.

_My dearest Tatiana,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. As soon as I returned to Highever I sent word of our betrothal to Denerim to inform King Alistair and my sister. I must admit I am relying heavily on Elissa to plan the ceremony and reception. I’ve never had any talent for such things. My mother took care of all the arrangements for my first wedding. My only responsibility was to show up at the appointed place at the appointed time. Elissa has already had multiple trunks delivered to the castle, and she will be coming one month before the ceremony to oversee all arrangements. If you have any preferences, I would be happy to pass them on to her._

_I am sure that you were told the basic facts about my first wife and our son. I apologize for never speaking of it myself. Even now, I find myself going silent every time it enters my mind. I want to tell you everything, but I had to do it in a letter. The written word has always been easier for me than speaking._

_Oriana and Oren were murdered along with my parents five years ago, at the start of the fifth blight, by a man my father believed was a trusted friend. The plan was for him, my father, and myself to march with both of our armies to Ostagar to fight the darkspawn with our King. He told my father his men were delayed, and my father, not wanting to keep the King waiting, instructed me to lead our forces to Ostagar. My father planned to accompany his friend with his army once his friend’s army arrived._

_I will never forgive myself for leaving. That night, after I had led our troops away, his “friend’s” soldiers arrived and attacked. With most of our forces gone, my family did not stand a chance. Elissa was only able to survive because a visiting Grey Warden agreed to sneak her out of the castle in return for her joining the Order. Elissa told me that when she was attacked in her bedroom, the first thing she did after killing her attackers was check on Oriana and Oren and they had already been killed. Otherwise, she would have fought to the death to protect them._

_Oriana was Antivan. We met when her father, a merchant, brought his family to Highever for several months to conduct business. I followed her family when they left, to ask her father for her hand in marriage. She was a pious, devout woman and she was much loved in Highever and in the castle. When Oren came, it was though our life was complete._

_Oren was six years old when he was killed. I remember constantly chasing him through the halls of the castle. Running away from us was his favorite game. Of course, I could have caught him easily, but what fun would that have been? He loved animals, and I would often find him in the stables or the kennels tending to the horses or hounds. He would be eleven now. I often find myself wondering who he would have been. Would he still love the animals? What subjects would be his favorite? Who would have his closest friends have been?_

_And then they were gone. Upon my arrival in Ostagar, King Cailin sent me out with a group of troops to scout the darkspawn positions in the wilderness. We were ambushed, flanked by a group of darkspawn. I had never seen a darkspawn before. The terrifying thing about them was how human they were. It was like staring into the worst version of myself, a walking nightmare._

_The battle was terrible. We were outnumbered three to one. I remember falling to the ground after a blow thinking that was it. The last thing I thought of was Oren. How I promised him I would return, and how much he was going to hate me for breaking that promise. The next thing I remember was waking up in a strange hut with a strange woman trying to feed me broth._

_The darkspawn hadn’t killed me, but they had left me for dead. A Chasind family took me in and nursed me to health as I recovered from my injuries and serious illness. Once I had finally recovered my strength, my little sister was marching on Denerim to slay the archdemon and stop the blight. I made it to Denerim a few days after the archdemon had been slain. The city was still in celebration mode, even as the ruins burned where its buildings had once stood. But the citizens were thrilled to be alive, and had not yet comprehended how difficult the rebuilding would be._

_I stopped in a tavern, introduced myself to the barkeep, and explained that I needed to get a message to my family at Castle Cousland. His face, jovial and warm just seconds before, fell into shock and his skin turned ashen. That was how I learned of my family’s fate. From a stranger who I had just met._

_I was numb at first. There was so much to take in, all at once. There was the bad, and there was the good: my sister had saved Ferelden from the blight and was going to be Queen. Most importantly, when I reconnected with her that night I saw how happy she was with Alistair and marveled at the strong, confident woman she had blossomed into. Of course, she had had a year to recover from the loss that I had just learned about._

_King Alistair confirmed that, of course, I was teryn of Highever and that my father’s treacherous friend had been stripped of all titles. My sister had killed the man herself. I set out for Highever and found a disaster. The previous “teryn” had emptied the treasury and left the castle only half-standing. It was clear that he had spent no time there after the take-over. That was when the anger came. I actually resented Elissa for killing the man herself, leaving me with no means for revenge._

_My connections to the crown came in handy to rebuild the castle. King Alistair referred to them as “reparations,” since prior to Alistair coming to power, the traitor had actually had a high place at court. Alistair decided that meant the destruction of the teryn was the fault of the crown and the crown should therefore pay for its recovery. I’m sure the fact that my sister was Queen was no small factor in the King’s decision._

_Perhaps a better man would have refused the coin since much of Ferelden needed to be rebuilt, but Maker forgive me, I was desperate to tear down the barely standing ruins and build a new castle. A new beginning. My anger was so consuming that I needed something to distract myself. I needed to be out there every day, with the workers, helping to build the new castle with my own hands._

_And then, once the castle was complete, the anger was gone. In its place, the numbness had returned. The castle was again filled with servants and the hustle and bustle of daily life. But I was more alone among all the movement than I had ever been before. My sister constantly found reasons to summon me to Denerim, making sure I wasn’t alone for very long. But those trips were their own kind of torture. I could feel everyone’s constant pity, a constant reminder of what I had lost._

_My dearest Tatiana, I hope this letter doesn’t upset you. I have done my best to move forward, and I am truly happy at our betrothal and excited for the life we will build together. But I couldn’t marry you without you knowing everything about what happened. I pray this knowledge does not burden you, although I feel my burden has been lightened as I write these words._

_Be well, my darling, and know that I am eagerly awaiting our next meeting, taking comfort in the knowledge that this time we will not need to part._

_Yours,  
Fergus_

Tatiana’s eyes were wet with tears as she finished Fergus’ letter. She couldn’t imagine the pain and loneliness he had felt. Her sisters were her entire world. Maker, if something ever happened to them. And now, she had Fergus. The thought of losing him made her sick. Her eyes caught a line his letter, “…although I feel my burden has been lightened as I write these words.”

Tatiana fingered the opal around her neck. She hadn’t taken it off since Fergus had clasped it around her neck weeks prior. Tatiana sometimes felt overwhelmed at how quickly everything was moving. Soon, she would be married, a teryna in a foreign land, and the wife of a man who had already lost a family that he loved. But if she truly lightened Fergus’ burdens, she would happily devote her life to doing just that.


	9. Chapter 9

Fergus could barely contain his excitement when Tatiana arrived with her family in Highever two days before the wedding. Unlike the last time she had come, he rushed out to meet her as she arrived. “I am so happy to see you,” he said, kissing her hand after she exited the carriage. As the date of the wedding had grown closer, Fergus’ excitement had grown steadily to match his nervousness. He hadn’t expected to miss Tatiana as much as he had the past three months. 

“And it is of course a pleasure to see the rest of you family as well,” he said, kissing the hands of Tatiana’s sisters in turn, and then her mother. While her sisters all smiled and curtsied at his attention, even the shy Ariana, her mother drew her hand back as quickly as possible after Fergus’ kiss, as though his lips had pained her in some way.

Fergus turned his attention back to Tatiana. She was wearing the same dress as she had her first visit, the white dress with delicate blue embroidery. Fergus was really starting to love that dress. He offered his arm to Tatiana and smiled at the warmth he felt when she took it. “I hope you find the accommodations to your liking,” he said, leading the family towards the castle. “Of course, if you need anything at all, please let anyone know. Everyone has been given the instruction that your family’s needs take priority over everything else.”

Fergus guided them through the servants rushing around, carrying food, packages, cloth, and flowers. “The castle isn’t usually this busy, but Elissa has brought many servants from Denerim to assist in the preparations.” He smiled at Tatiana. “I understand she has some very important questions for you about flower arrangements. I told her to give you time to rest from your journey, but, unfortunately, since she has become Queen she is far less likely to listen to my instructions.”

Tatiana laughed. “Am I right in guessing you were unable to answer these important questions about flowers?”

Fergus groaned. “Apparently, ‘they all look fine,’ was not appropriate response. Speaking of which…” The group turned into the main hall to find Elissa holding a centerpiece.

“This ribbon is crooked!” she exclaimed. “And why is it white? I specified cream ribbons.”

Elissa handed the centerpiece back and the servant curtsied quickly. “I will fix it straight away Your Majesty.”

Elissa turned around at the sound of Fergus’s laughter, and the servant took the opportunity to rush out of room. “Is there a difference between white and cream?” he asked.

“Maker, Fergus, was that a serious question?” Elissa quickly cross the room to where the group was standing. “Tatiana, I presume?” She tilted her head in Tatiana’s direction.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty,” Tatiana answered, curtsying, but still holding onto Fergus.

“Thank the Maker. We have so much to do!” Elissa reached out to take Tatiana’s arm but was blocked by Fergus.

“Tatiana has just arrived from a long journey. She needs to rest. I was showing the family to the guest quarters. Surely, you can do whatever needs to get done tomorrow.” Fergus started to pull Tatiana away from his sister.

“You must be joking Fergus. We have less than forty-eight hours to the wedding! We can’t spare a minute.” Elissa looked so frazzled that Fergus couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry about the late arrival,” Tatiana interjected. “Bad weather delayed the ship. I was hoping to arrive several days ago.”

“I’m just glad you made it. Wouldn’t be much of a wedding without a bride.” Fergus smiled. Tatiana returned his smile, and for a moment Fergus forgot anyone else was in the room, lost in her eyes.

Georg Pentaghast’s voice brought Fergus back into reality. “Well, I’m exhausted, and I would like to be shown to my room if that is not too much of an inconvenience.”

Elissa took advantage of Fergus distraction to take Tatiana’s free arm. “Fergus would be happy to show the rest of you to your rooms while Tatiana and I discuss arrangements. Don’t worry Fergus, I’ll show Tatiana to her room once we’re done.”

Fergus sighed. Elissa had won, and she knew it. Fergus kissed Tatiana’s hand before letting her go. “I’m sorry,” he told her.

Tatiana smiled. “It’s fine. It will give me a chance to get to know your sister.”

Fergus saw Elissa look at the opal necklace around Tatiana’s neck. “That’s a lovely opal,” Elissa said.

“Thank you.” Tatiana titled her head to Fergus. “Fergus gave it to me.”

“Really? They’re very rare.” Elissa shot Fergus a look he couldn’t understand. Why would Elissa care that Fergus had bought Tatiana an opal?

“Oh!” Adriana gasped, and then turned red as everyone turned to look at her. “My painting.” She gestured to the door across the room, where the open door revealed Adriana’s painting hanging in the hall.

Fergus laughed. “Yes, I wanted to hang it in the dining room, but my steward though it was a tad bloody.”  


Elissa rolled her eyes. “Thank the Maker you’re here Tatiana. This castle is dying for a woman’s touch.” She led Tatiana away from the rest of the group. “Now, what are your feelings on lilies?”

**

After dinner that evening, Fergus invited Elissa for a drink in his study. He was eager to hear his sister’s impressions of his future wife. He handed his sister her scotch and sat across from her. “How was your day?”

Elissa stared down at her glass and sighed. “Fergus, this isn’t what I wanted.”

That wasn’t the answer Fergus was expecting. He could feel the tension rising in the room and suddenly realized this conversation was unlikely to be pleasant. “What do you mean?” he asked carefully.

“When we had our discussion in Denerim, I just wanted you to stop hiding in this castle. To go to events, meet people…I wanted you to fall in love again. I didn’t want you to feel forced into some arrangement my seneschal made for you.”

Fergus sighed. “Did you and Tatiana not get along? I find that difficult to imagine.”

Elissa rolled her eyes. “This isn’t about Tatiana. This is about you.”

“Considering that the woman you clearly don’t want me to marry is Tatiana, I think this is about her. What could you possibly dislike about her?”

“Nothing! Tatiana is…nothing.”

“What?”

Elissa signed. “Tatiana is nothing. She’s spent eighteen years living in a bubble. She had no opinions about anything, and spent the entire day finding different ways to agree with me.”

Fergus waved his hand. “I told you she would be exhausted from her trip. You should have let her rest. Or maybe she just really doesn’t think the cream versus white debate matters. That doesn’t mean she’s nothing.” Fergus was trying to remain calm, but his sister’s words infuriated him.

Elissa’s face dropped. “That’s not what I meant, Fergus…All I meant is it’s clear she’s spent her entire life trying to please other people and she doesn’t seem to…” Elissa trailed off. “I don’t know how to say what I mean.”

“Perhaps that’s for the best.” Even Fergus was surprised at the coldness in his voice. 

“Oriana…”  


“Don’t compare Tatiana to Oriana.” Fergus was gritting his teeth now. He had never been angrier at Elissa.

“Mother had planned an elaborate wedding, and Oriana came and said she wanted everything completely different. Mother was furious, but it made her love Oriana.”

“So you don’t like Tatiana because she didn’t ruin the entire wedding you had planned.”

“Why did you buy her an opal?”

Fergus closed his eyes and groaned. “Why do you care?”

“Fergus, I know how expensive those stones are. That is not something you buy a person you barely know.”

“Again, why do you care? My finances are none of your concern.”

“I’m concerned about how much you seem to like her.”

Fergus laughed bitterly. “I thought you wanted me to be happy. Not just in a political marriage.”

“Fergus…Tatiana is one of those people who tries to please everybody. I’m sure when she met you she acted like a person she thought you would like. I don’t think she does it maliciously. I think she doesn’t know who she is herself.”

Fergus stood up abruptly. “This conversation is over.” Fergus placed his untouched drink on the end table. “I trust you won’t tarry long after the wedding.” 

Fergus moved towards the door, not caring as Elissa called after him. He could hear his blood pulsing in his ears, and before he knew it, he found himself in front of Tatiana’s door. He hadn’t remembered the walk over, he had not consciously gone there, but he desperately wanted to see her. Taking a deep breath to calm down, he knocked on her door.

Tatiana opened the door and smiled. “Fergus. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk. Do you not have a lady-in-waiting?”

Tatiana laughed. “I sent them all to my sisters. Everyone’s been fussing over me all day. I just needed to be alone. But I’m really happy to see you,” she added quickly.

“My mother never kept ladies-in-waiting for that reason. May I come in?”

Tatiana nodded and moved aside, allowing Fergus entry. “Is everything all right?”

Fergus nodded. “I just wanted to have some time alone with you. I wanted to make sure you’re alright.” Fergus took her hand and guided her towards the room’s couch.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Fergus smiled, and tucked a loose strand of Tatiana’s hair behind her ear. “We’ve never really talked about what this marriage means. Are you frightened?”

“Of what?”

“You know, I assume, that if Alistair dies without an heir, I will become King. I would imagine the prospect of becoming Queen in a foreign nation would be frightening.”

Tatiana laughed. “I haven’t given it much thought. Elissa’s very young. I’m sure she and Alistair will have many children.”

“Tatiana,” Fergus whispered. “I wouldn’t feel right, marrying you without you knowing…”

“Knowing what?”

“Knowing that Elissa cannot have children.” Fergus held Tatiana’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “It’s very possible that Alistair will die without an heir. I’ve had to adjust to the fact that I will most likely be King someday.” Fergus sighed. “This is unfair. I’m so sorry. I should have told you before you agreed to the betrothal. I hope this doesn’t change how you feel…” Fergus’ voice trailed off. He stared into her eyes, looking for some sort of reaction but finding nothing.

Tatiana licked her lips. “Fergus, I think I could handle anything as long as you’re there to help.”

Her face remained expressionless. Fergus cursed Elissa. Before their conversation, he would have been happy with Tatiana’s answer. He hated his sister for planting doubts into his mind. He had just dropped a bombshell on her. Tatiana probably didn’t know how to react. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “I hope Elissa is wrong. I hope to have many nieces and nephews, but we must prepare ourselves for the possibility.”

“I’m a little surprised you chose a foreign bride if that’s the case.”

Fergus shrugged. “A change in the ruling family might reflect weakness to our enemies. Nevarra could be an important ally if that’s the case.” Fergus kissed Tatiana’s hands. “I should let you rest. You must be very tired.” He smiled and squeezed her hands before standing up to leave, trying not to be bothered by Tatiana’s expressionless face.


	10. Chapter 10

The wedding was a blur. There were so many people, nobles from Ferelden, that introduced themselves and their faces started all looking the same. At first, Tatiana was relieved when her mother pulled her aside into a side room, until she realized what her mother was wanting to talk to her about.

“Just do let Fergus do whatever he needs to do. Close your eyes, lie still, it will hurt but it won’t last very long. If you’re lucky, Fergus will be like your father, and prefer the servants. OK?” 

There were no words. Tatiana couldn’t think of a single word to say in response. Sophie seemed fine with that response. “Okay.” She gave her daughter a quick hug and was gone, leaving Tatiana alone. 

Tatiana didn’t want to cry, but she started to feel the tears welling up in her eyes. It was all just too much. There was a castle full of people she didn’t know, clamoring for her favor as she had just married one of the most powerful men in Ferelden. Her father had mentioned that morning how important this marriage was for Nevarra as King Markus was feeling the pressure of the Van Markhams wanting to re-take the throne, and thought the threat of Ferelden’s army would give him the extra clout he needed to secure his power. 

And, of course, the marriage was important for Ferelden who might need to threat of Nevarra’s army for Fergus to secure his power if he took the throne. The political machinations seemed absurd to Tatiana. Each nation thought they were gaining a powerful ally, neither knowing how tenuous the political situation of their new “ally” was. Yet, both nations had done so well hiding their troubles that just the appearance of alliance would likely be beneficial.

Tatiana wanted none of it. She wanted to go home with her sisters and for everything to go back to the way it had been before she had met Fergus. But that was not possible. Even if she had taken Fergus’ revelation as a reason to break the betrothal, all that would gain her was a betrothal to Frederich. She had been a fool to assign any affection to Fergus’ actions. He was simply a kind man, who would’ve treated any Pentaghast that King Markus had sent with the same consideration. 

Since her choices were Frederich and Fergus, Fergus was the clear winner. Tatiana took a deep breath, ensured that the tears which had threatened to spill were long gone, and opened the door to go back into the main hall. She would learn the name of at least one Ferelden noble before the day was done.

**

Tatiana found herself on the balcony of Fergus’ bedroom later that day, watching the sunset. Her bedroom, she corrected herself. This was her new home. The balcony looked over the rose garden, the town of Highever barely visible in the distance. Tatiana heard the door open behind her and heard footsteps walking towards her on the balcony. 

Fergus wrapped his arms around her from behind, and Tatiana felt herself instinctively relax into his arms. She relaxed her head on his chest. Maker, his arms felt so good around her. He had never held her so close. She felt him kiss the top of her head. “What are you thinking about?”

“Just enjoying the view,” Tatiana whispered. “It’s different from the one back home.”

“I know that this is difficult for you. I hope I’m able to make it easier.”

His words were always so sweet. Tatiana turned around and wrapped her arms around Fergus, burying her face in his chest. She couldn’t stop a single tear from rolling down her cheek. She didn’t know why she was crying. If Fergus hadn’t intervened, she would be married to a man she hated. But she wondered if it would be easier to hate her husband and know he hated her, rather than love her husband and wonder how he felt. 

Love. Tatiana had always imagined love would be wonderful. She never thought it would hurt. 

Fergus placed his hand under his chin and moved her face towards her. The kiss she had wanted for so long. Without thinking, she turned her head, giving Fergus her cheek instead. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to…I thought…” Fergus’ voice trailed off and Tatiana felt a stab of guilt. She didn’t know why she had turned her head.

“Fergus, it’s just…I’ve never kissed a man before. And now we’re married, and it’s just a lot to take in.”

Fergus frowned. “Tatiana, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If I gave you the impression otherwise…”

“No,” Tatiana assured him. “It’s not that. I just don’t know what to expect. I just don’t know…anything.”

“Is it OK if I kiss you?”

Tatiana nodded silently. Fergus leaned forward, and this time Tatiana did not turn away. It felt like fire, spreading through her veins, and warming her entire body. Fergus placed his hands on her cheeks, gently massaging them to encourage her to open her lips. Tatiana obliged. Seemingly pleased at his victory, Fergus pulled Tatiana closer, planting one hand on the small of her back and letting the other explore her body as much as he was able.

She heard herself whine as Fergus ended the kiss and pulled away. She noticed for the first time that her hands had somehow made it into Fergus’ hair. She hadn’t been ready for it to end. She wasn’t sure she would have ever been ready for it to end. 

“Tatiana,” Fergus whispered. “Tell me what you want.”

Tatiana’s heart was pounding. She didn’t want him to stop kissing her, that was for sure. But her head was spinning. She couldn’t think past their next kiss. “I want to be with you. I just don’t know what that means.”

Fergus brushed her lips, kissing her gently. “I’ll go slowly. And you can tell me if you want to stop. Is that OK?”

“Yes.”

He looked at her seriously. “You will tell me if you’re uncomfortable, right?”

Tatiana nodded. Fergus leaned down and started kissing her jaw, working his way towards her ear. “Every time I look at you, I wonder how someone so beautiful could possibly be real,” he whispered before brushing his lips across her ear. She could feel his hands fumbling with the clasps on the back of her dress. 

Tatiana slipped her hands under Fergus’ silk dress shirt. She couldn’t explain why she wanted him to remove a piece of clothing first, she only knew she would feel more comfortable if he did. Sensing what she wanted, Fergus stopped undoing the clasps and helped Tatiana take off his shirt. 

Tatiana gasped. “Fergus!” A long, ragged scar stretched across Fergus’ abdomen. 

“Darkspawn axe,” he said simply. “I thought the blow had killed me. The darkspawn must have thought so too, since they left.”

Tatiana traced the scar with her fingertips. “I can’t imagine how frightening that must have been. You’re so brave.”

Fergus laughed. “Men are only brave to get scars they can impress women with.”

Tatiana smiled. “Well, I’m impressed.”

“Mission accomplished, then.” Fergus pulled her into a deep kiss. He went back to work on the clasps on the dress and this time Tatiana didn’t stop him. Once her dress was on the floor, Fergus started walking her towards the bed. He was kissing her neck, and as he gently laid her down Tatiana knew she wouldn’t be asking Fergus to stop.

**

Tatiana rested her head on Fergus’ chest, listening to his heart beat. With one hand, she lazily traced the scar on Fergus’ abdomen. Fergus was slowly stroking her spine. Tatiana closed her eyes. She could stay in this bed forever. She couldn’t remember ever being happier than she was at that moment.

“Are you alright?” Fergus asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you want anything? Some water maybe?”

Tatiana lifted her head to look into Fergus’ eyes. “I’m fine, Fergus.”

“How can I make you better than fine?”

Tatiana laughed and put her head back on Fergus’ chest. She pulled herself as close to him as possible. “I’m perfect Fergus. Nothing could make this better. Just hold me.”

“I can do that.” She felt a kiss on the top of her head. She felt his other arm reach around and she melted into his chest as he held her tightly. 

As she started to drift off to sleep, her mother’s words invaded her perfect pleasure. “If you’re lucky, Fergus will be like your father, and prefer the servants.” The thought of Fergus being with other women caused a pit to form in her stomach. She buried her face into Fergus’ chest, trying to chase the thought out of her mind. 

He was hers, she thought. But he wasn’t. He had been married before, of course. And who knew how many other women…Tatiana silently cursed her mother. Of course, she would find a way to ruin this for Tatiana.

“What’s wrong angel?”

“Nothing.”

She felt Fergus tip her chin up so he could see her. “Talk to me.”

“I’m just hoping…it was OK…I’ve never…before…” It seemed Tatiana had lost the capability to form a complete sentence.

Fergus smiled. “Is that what you’re worried about? It was wonderful Tatiana. You have nothing to worry about.” Fergus kissed her gently.

“I just know…you’ve been with others…” 

Fergus frowned. “Does it bother you?”

Tatiana shook her head. “No, it’s not that. It just…my father…the servants…” Seriously, what kind of marriage was this going to be if Tatiana couldn’t form a sentence?

Fergus sighed. “I understand. Tatiana, you’re only the third woman I’ve ever been with.”

Tatiana cocked her head. “Really?”

Fergus laughed. “I’m not sure where you got this impression of me, but yes. There was Oriana, of course. And one woman before her, when I was seventeen.”

“What happened with her?”

“She became a priest.”

“What!?”

Fergus laughed. “Her name was Alaina. We were both seventeen and we had a glorious summer of passion. I thought was going to marry her. Then she informed me she felt called to the Chantry to serve the Maker.”

“Is she…in Highever?”

“Oh, thank the Maker, no. The chantry sent her to the Free Marches, Tantervale I think. I was devastated. I mean, it’s terrible when the woman you love leaves you for another man, but the Maker? How could I hope to compete with that?”

Tatiana laughed. She stroked Fergus’ cheek. “You poor thing.” She paused. She hated to ask, but she had to. “And after Oriana…there wasn’t anyone else?”

Fergus shook his head. “Not until you. I wasn’t looking. I thought after Oriana I would never…you have nothing to worry about Tatiana. Trust me.”

He kissed her forehead. Tatiana felt incredibly guilty for even bringing it up. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

“No, don’t be. I understand. But you can trust me.”

Tatiana closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off the sleep, pushing any thoughts of her parents out of her mind.


	11. Chapter 11

He had been married to Tatiana for three weeks when Fergus could no longer deny he was in love with his new wife. He was in the library. Several children were sitting on the other side of the room, listening to their tutor tell them the story of Andraste and her rebellion against the Tevinter Imperium. Tatiana was curled up in a chair behind him, reading a book. 

As Fergus scanned the shelves for something to read, his eyes wandered over to the group of children and he froze. It couldn’t be. How? No. But the more he stared the more convinced he became. As though she could sense something was wrong, Tatiana put aside her book and came up behind Fergus. 

She placed a hand on his arm, but he barely noticed as he walked away, towards the little boy clutching a stuffed rabbit. He grabbed the toy out of the child’s arms. “Where did you find this?” he demanded. Fergus could feel the eyes of everyone on him. He looked up and around at the rest of the people in the library. “Does anybody know where this came from?” he yelled.

He could see the fear frozen on everybody’s faces. Except Tatiana. She looked concerned, but not afraid. Fergus had never allowed himself to get so angry before his castle staff. “Answer me!” he demanded of the young boy.

“It was in a box. I found it in a closet.” The little boy’s lower lip was trembling.

“Fergus.” Tatiana’s whisper seemed far away, but she placed her hand on his back and he knew she had moved next to him. 

Ignoring her again, he shoved the toy into the tutor’s arms. 

“Burn it,” he snapped.

“Your Lordship?” The tutor was justifiably confused.

“It was Oren’s.” Fergus could barely speak. “Burn it.”

Fergus stormed out of the library and into his study. He waited until the door was shut behind him before he allowed himself to collapse on his couch and sob. He didn’t hear the study door open but he soon felt Tatiana next to him. She pulled him into her arms without a word and held him while he cried.

He was immensely grateful she didn’t try to comfort him with the empty platitudes he had heard so often before. He didn’t want to hear that someday he would remember his son without the pain, that time heals all wounds, or that everything happens for a reason. He just wanted to be held, and Tatiana held him.

Once he finally felt strong enough, he lifted his head to look into Tatiana’s eyes. He had expected pity, but he only saw love. She wiped the tears off his cheeks and gave him a gentle kiss. Then she rested her head on his shoulder and let him hold her. 

It was exactly what he needed. To be held by someone he loved, and then to hold someone he loved. And he loved Tatiana. He couldn’t fight it any longer, and he didn’t want to. He listened to her breathing and let the rhythm calm his racing heart. He pulled her closer to him and just let himself feel the love in his heart. 

**

Tatiana and Fergus had been married for three months when a package arrived for her from Nevarra. “It’s from Adriana,” Fergus told her, handing her the package. “I bet it’s a new painting.”

Tatiana smiled and started to unwrap the package. “She mentioned she wanted to make a new painting of Ferelden after seeing it for herself.” But as Tatiana pulled held the canvas up to see the painting, her face fell. 

It was a beautiful painting. Fergus recognized the garden at Tatiana’s family estate in Cumberland with the wildflowers. And four blonde girls dressed in white, having a picnic. Tatiana started shaking and Fergus, realizing she was near tears, took the painting from her and placed his hand on her back, trying to comfort her.

As soon as she was relieved from holding the painting, Tatiana turned around and rushed out of the room. Fergus handed the painting to the waiting servant, smiling apologetically, and then followed his wife.

She was long gone by the time Fergus entered the hallway, but he had a feeling he knew where she was. He quickly made his way to their bedroom and quietly opened the door. Tatiana was on the bed, crying into one of the pillows. She was wearing that dress, the one Fergus loved so much, white with the intricate blue embroidery around the waist.

Fergus was still wearing his armor from training drills earlier in the day. He stripped his armor down to the linen under-clothes before approaching the bed. He sat next to his wife, and stroked her back, trying to comfort her. Tatiana was usually responsive to his touch, but this time she seemed to ignore it completely, and continued sobbing as though she was entirely unaware of his presence.

“Angel,” he murmured. “Angel, there must be something I can do.”

Far from comforting her, his words seemed to make her cry harder. Fergus had never seen her like this, and he was near tears himself with the realization that he had no idea how to comfort her. Not knowing what else to do, Fergus laid down next to her, one hand still stroking her back, in what seemed to be a futile attempt to comfort her.

After a few minutes, Tatiana turned around to face Fergus. Her eyes were red from crying and Fergus could still see the tears on her cheeks. He stroked her cheeks, wiping the tears away. “Angel,” he tried again. “What can I do?”

And again, that seemed to be the exact wrong thing to say. Tatiana sat up wordlessly, turning her back to Fergus. Fergus closed his eyes. He had shared a bed with Tatiana for three months, but he was feeling as though, at that moment, he didn’t know her at all.

“I’m sorry,” she said suddenly. Fergus opened his eyes. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me,” Tatiana continued.

“Tatiana, you don’t have to apologize.”

Tatiana turned and looked at Fergus. “You don’t know what I’m apologizing for.” It was said simply. Her eyes, normally so tender and caring, were now cold as ice.

Fergus suddenly felt this had nothing, or at least very little, to do with the painting and Tatiana missing her sisters. He pulled himself up so he was sitting next to her. “Then tell me.”

“I’ve always known that my marriage would be arranged for me, that it wouldn’t be my choice. I know you asked before speaking to my father, but if it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else whom I hadn’t chosen. It’s how things have always been done with my family. It was how things were for my mother and she ended up with my father. I’ve watched countless cousins enter into marriages and the lucky ones had spouses who would ignore them. For the unlucky ones it was worse.”

Tatiana looked at Fergus. “But with you I thought that I had gotten so fortunate. From the first moment we met, you’ve been kind, gentle, considerate…because that’s who you are. You didn’t treat me like a Nevarran noble randomly picked by King Markus to cement a needed alliance, even though that’s what I am.”

Fergus shook his head. “No, that’s not what you are.”

“Fergus, please…don’t. The painting upset me because it reminded me of something I don’t have anymore. I loved every day with my sisters. Even dealing with our parents, we had each other. We loved each other. I was loved in Cumberland. You’re so kind to me, and that should be enough, but it’s not. And I’m sorry. I don’t want a husband that’s nice to me. I want a husband that loves me. I’m sorry. I know I must sound ungrateful. I’m not. But I love you. And that hurts so much more than I thought it would.”

Fergus gulped and brushed Tatiana’s hair out of her eyes. How could she not realize he loved her? Perhaps he had never said it, but he had shown it, hadn’t he? But if he had never said it, how could she help but doubt. “Tatiana,” he whispered.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know that you can’t force yourself to fall in love with someone.”

“Tatiana.” Fergus took her hands but Tatiana dropped her head and refused to look into his eyes. “Angel, I should be the one apologizing. You should never apologize for wanting to be loved. But love can be painful. And losing someone you love can ruin you. I learned that all too well. After I lost Oriana, I was nothing. I woke up every morning, got out of bed, and went about my day but I felt nothing. And then I met you. Do you know how terrifying it is, to feel nothing for years and then suddenly feel everything?”

At that, Tatiana looked up, but said nothing, so Fergus continued. “You brought back pain I hadn’t felt in years. And joy I hadn’t felt in years. The thought of being with you terrified me. The thought of being without you was worse. And so I asked your father for your hand, and brought here to be with me. But I couldn’t tell you how I felt because if I did it would be real, and then I would have something to lose again. But in doing that, I caused you pain and I am so sorry. I promise I will never do that again. Because I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time you commented on Ferelden not smelling like wet dog. But I kept it to myself because I thought it would be easier. Then if I ever lost you, I could pretend that it wasn’t true. I didn’t consider how much it would hurt you to not know, or maybe I assumed you would just feel it somehow…either way I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Fergus leaned forward and kissed his wife. “Fergus,” she whispered. “How do I know you’re not just saying this to make me feel better?”

“Because I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you.” And with that, he gently pushed her back on the bed. “Starting right now.”


	12. Chapter 12

Tatiana and Fergus had been married for five months when Tatiana sent for the healer from Highever. Tatiana was fairly certain of her condition, but didn’t want to say anything to Fergus before she was sure. The healer was an elderly female mage, living at the Chantry in Highever under the watchful eyes of the Templars, using her magic to help the people.

“It’s been about two months since you’ve bled?” she asked Tatiana, smiling.

Tatiana nodded. “I’ve also had nausea a lot, most of the time actually.”

“Are you normally pretty regular with your bleeding? Or you do often miss months?”

“Pretty regular. I’ve missed one on occasion, but never two in a row before.”

The mage put her hand on Tatiana’s belly and Tatiana could feel a gentle tingling of magic. “Have you and the teryn taken any precautions?”

Tatiana shook her head. “I wouldn’t even know what to do.”

“We can discuss that, if you’d like. We would need to wait until after you have this baby.” The matron paused. “Unless, you asked me here because you don’t want to continue this pregnancy. I noticed you asked me to come while the teryn is out.”

“He left early this morning to sweep the outskirts for bandits. He’ll be back by nightfall. I just wanted to be sure before I told him anything.”

“And that’s all there is to it?”

Tatiana smiled. “Thank you for your kindness, but yes. Fergus wants a child so much, I couldn’t risk being wrong when I told him.”

The matron smiled. “Well it appears that in about seven months he’ll have his wish. Some healers say that the spell I used to determine your pregnancy also reveals the gender of the child, but I think that’s just an old wives’ tale. Of course the mages who believe in such things say the signs are hard to read, and any failed prediction is just human error.”

“If you didn’t think it was an old wives’ tale, what gender would you think the baby is?”

“A boy.”

**

The day seemed interminably long for Tatiana. Fergus had promised he would back as soon as he could, and by nightfall at the latest. Tatiana knew he had taken enough soldiers with him to deal with any bandits he met, but Tatiana couldn’t help but start to worry as the sun disappeared over the horizon. Fergus had gone out on sweeps before, and he had always been back well before nightfall. 

Tatiana had purposefully worn Fergus’ favorite dress that day, the white one with blue embroidery. He had never said the dress was his favorite, but Tatiana had figured it out from his expression every time she wore it. She had been hopeful that the healer would confirm her suspicions, and that she could tell Fergus she was pregnant in that dress. But it was looking as though Fergus would not be back that day as expected. 

Tatiana waited until the twilight had faded into darkness and the stars were clearly visible in the sky before giving up on Fergus returning that day. She returned to their bedroom and prepared for bed. 

It was strange how empty the bed without Fergus. Until five months ago, sleeping alone was the norm for Tatiana. But now she ached at the emptiness of the bed. 

Tatiana had been raised to be a nobleman’s wife, not a soldier’s wife. In Nevarra, noblemen and soldiers were different things, but Tatiana had learned that was not true in Ferelden. Fergus actively trained with his soldiers and thought nothing of leaving for the day to fight bandits. Tatiana didn’t want to think what might happen if another war or blight broke out. Fergus would leave to fight, she was sure, and would be gone for months if he came back at all. Tatiana didn’t know what would become of her if Fergus never came back. Would she be forced to go back to Nevarra? If she was struggling with Fergus being away for one night, how could she survive if he had leave for an extended period of time?

Tatiana had started to drift off into a troubled sleep when she suddenly heard the door to the bedroom open. She gasped and her heart flew into her chest as a figure entered the room.

“It’s me.” Tatiana recognized Fergus’ voice. 

“Fergus,” Tatiana moaned. “You scared me.”

“I’m sorry, I thought you would be asleep.”

“I was worried. I couldn’t sleep. You said you’d be back before nightfall.” Tatiana winced at the accusatory tone in her voice. She hadn’t meant to sound so upset.

“I’m sorry angel. After we left we realized the bandits were camped a lot further out than we had thought. And there were more of them than we had thought. So it took longer to get there, longer to fight, and longer to get back.”

“Why didn’t you just camp for the night and come back tomorrow?”

“I’d never leave you alone.”

Tatiana couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m surrounded by servants and soldiers. I’m never alone.”

Fergus had removed his armor and sat down next to Tatiana in his underclothes. He reached out and stroked her cheek. “I don’t like leaving you. But protecting my people is my duty.”

“You have soldiers for that. Noblemen in Nevarra don’t fight bandits.”

“My father taught me that a true leader never asks his men to do something he isn’t willing to do himself. I couldn’t ask them to risk their lives to protect the people and never take on that burden myself.” 

Tatiana smirked. “You’re just trying to get more scars to impress me with.”

Fergus laughed. “You know it.” He leaned down and kissed her deeply. “I am sorry I worried you though.”

“It’s just not something I ever thought I would have to worry about. Fergus, if I lost you…” Tatiana couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I love you. I will always be careful. I will never take any unnecessary risks. I will always fight to come back to you.”

Tatiana knew that was the best Fergus could give. He would never stop doing what he believed to be his duty. “You didn’t get to see me in my dress,” she said, changing the subject. “I wore your favorite today.”

“My favorite?”

“The white one with the blue embroidery.”

“How did you know?”

Tatiana shrugged. “I just know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you in that dress.”

“There was a reason I wore it.”

Fergus cocked his head. “What was it?”

“I wanted to be wearing it when I told you that I’m pregnant.”

Fergus stared at her for a moment, and then his face broke into a huge grin. “You’re pregnant?”

Tatiana nodded. “I had the healer from Highever come today to confirm it.”

Fergus was laughing and crying at the same time. “I have everything now,” he told her. He kissed her. “Everything.”


	13. Chapter 13

Fergus paced nervously around his study. It seemed like yesterday that Tatiana had told him about her pregnancy, but six months had passed, and Tatiana’s water had broken that morning. Fergus called for the healer from Highever and now he waited, pacing in his study while Tatiana gave birth in the couple’s bedroom. 

It was too soon, and Fergus was worried. Though the healer could had have been mistaken when she told Tatiana seven months. They had been married for five months at that point, and Tatiana could have been more than two months along. But when Oriana had given birth to Oren, she had felt contractions before her water broke, Fergus remembered, and Tatiana had said she wasn’t feeling anything. 

It had been hours since the healer had arrived, and Fergus was desperate for news. Oriana had demanded that Fergus wait outside during the birth, but Tatiana had never mentioned a preference so Fergus wondered if she would mind if he took a peek to see what was going on. He had just decided to go ahead and check when the door to his study opened and the healer appeared. 

The look on her face nearly made Fergus drop to his knees. She wasn’t smiling like she would have been if the delivery had gone well. Without even asking, Fergus shakily made his way to the couch and sat. He just knew he would need to be seated. 

“Your Lordship,” the woman began.

“Don’t bother with formalities,” Fergus interrupted. “What’s wrong?”

“Your wife has not yet gone into labor. I have given her some herbs to attempt to induce labor but they are not yet working.”

“How much danger is she in? And the baby?”

The healer licked her lips. “The longer it takes for labor to start, the more chance of an infection. An infection would be dangerous to both your wife and child. And the baby is a bit early, though not so early as to cause significant alarm.”

“Can I see her?”

“She’s asleep, Your Lordship. I would suggest you try and get some sleep as well. I will have someone come and get you if the induction is successful.”

The healer left, but Fergus didn’t sleep that night.

**

The next morning, Fergus had heard nothing and decided to visit Tatiana. Surely, she would have woken up by now. He knocked softly on the door to his room, and the healer opened it. 

“The herbs have started to work,” the healer told him. “Labor has begun, but your wife has developed a fever.”

Fergus was grateful she had remembered not to bother with formalities. “Can I see her?”

The healer nodded. “She is weak, but I think she’ll be happy to see you.”

Nothing could have prepared Fergus for walking into that room. Tatiana looked so small and limp laying the bed, drenched in sweat, with a cold compress on her head. The room was so hot and stuffy that Fergus felt mildly nauseated walking over to the bed. “Should we open a window?” he asked the healer. “The stuffiness can’t be good for her.”

The healer shook her head. “She already has a fever, air from the outside could make it worse.”

Fergus sat next to Tatiana on the bed and took her hand while the healer went back to work. Her eyes opened at his touch. He smiled at her, and but received no smile in return. “Fergus,” she whispered. “I don’t think I can do this.”

He could feel the heat coming off her. He wondered how bad her fever already was. “Yes, you can,” he told her. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this. You can do anything.”

“My lady,” the healer said, “I will do everything I can to draw the baby out but I need you to push as much as you can. There is a limit to what my magic can do.”

“Push, Tatiana,” Fergus told her squeezing her hand. “You can do this,” he whispered. 

Tatiana gave him one last look and then sat up as much as she was able and started to push. Noises Fergus had never heard, could never even dream of, came out of Tatiana as she pushed her fever-racked body the limit. And then she collapsed back on to the bed. “I can’t…I can’t.” She was panting.

“It’s OK, I’ve got him,” the healer announced and Fergus heard a baby cry. 

Tatiana didn’t move. She opened her eyes at Fergus again and looked like she was about to say something, but then her eyes fluttered shut. Fergus watched her through tears. She was breathing, but barely. “Isn’t there something you can do for her?” he asked the healer. 

The healer shook her head sadly. “We’ll give her water, keep her hydrated,” the woman said. “But if she is to fight off this infection, it’s something her body will need to do itself.”

**  
Fergus didn’t want to leave Tatiana’s side. The baby, a boy, seemed fine and healthy, even though he was a bit early. But Tatiana’s fever wouldn’t break. She spent most of her time sleeping, and when she was awake it seemed to take all of her strength to take a drink of water. Despite what the healer told him, he sent a courier to the Ferelden Circle of Magi at Kinloch Hold requesting the First Enchanter come and treat Tatiana. If there was a mage in Ferelden that could heal Tatiana it would be Irving. 

He was surprised, however, when several days after the birth, his squire came into his bedroom and told him Elissa had arrived and was waiting in the main hall. His sister was honestly the last person he wanted to see. He walked slowly to the main hall, dreading every step.

“Elissa,” he said as he entered the hall, frowning. “I’m very sorry but it is not a good time for a visit. Tatiana is very ill.”

“I know Fergus,” Elissa said. “That’s why I came. Your courier stopped by the castle in Denerim on his way to Kinloch Hold. He said she fell ill giving birth to a son. You never told me she was with child.”

Fergus sighed. “I know you weren’t happy about my marriage to Tatiana.”

“I’m still your sister. Fergus, I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me about your child or that Tatiana was sick…” Elissa’s voice trailed off.

Fergus closed his eyes and sighed. Elissa was probably right, but he didn’t want to argue with her at the moment. He didn’t want to do anything at the moment except go back to Tatiana’s side. “Can I see the baby?” Fergus’ eyes opened at the sound of Elissa’s voice. Of course, she would ask to see the baby, not Tatiana. But not wanting a fight, Fergus simply nodded and indicated Elissa should follow him. 

He took her upstairs to the baby’s room. He slowly opened the door and found Kendra, the baby’s wet nurse, feeding his son. They had not planned on using a wet nurse, but it was obviously going to be a necessity. They had been very fortunate to find a villager right away who was willing and able to serve.

Kendra smiled at Fergus and Elissa as they walked in. “We’re almost finished my lord.” She smiled down at the baby. “He’s a very strong little boy.” After a few more moments, the baby detached himself and Kendra burped him with a small cloth already on her shoulder. Once the baby was finished, she handed him over to Fergus and slipped out of the room.

Fergus held his son close and breathed in that sweet, fresh new baby smell. His son already had a full head of brown hair and his eyes were exactly the same shade of blue as Tatiana’s. It had been so long since Oren’s birth, Fergus had forgotten just how small a newborn baby was. 

Elissa reached out. “May I?” Fergus nodded and placed his son in his sister’s arms. “What are you going to call him?” she asked, gently rocking her nephew. 

“We hadn’t picked out a name. I’m waiting for Tatiana to get better before deciding what to call him.”

Elissa looked up and Fergus could see the pity in her eyes. “Of course,” she said. She paused and looked down and her nephew for a few more moments. When she raised her head, her eyes were full of tears.

“I’m sorry Fergus,” she told him. “It’s no excuse, but…there’s so much I can’t tell you. About being a Grey Warden. About the Blight, what I did to make sure both Alistair and I survived. I thought you were dead and he was the only thing I had left…”

Fergus frowned. He wasn’t sure what his sister was trying to say. “Lys, you saved Thedas. What else could possibly matter?”

Elissa sighed. “Nothing, I suppose. But it’s hard to watch other people live a life I can’t have. And sometimes my jealousy gets the better of me. I was wrong to judge Tatiana so harshly and I was wrong not to trust you to do what was best. I’m so, so sorry Fergus. Please forgive me.”

She looked so vulnerable. She looked like his little sister, not the Queen or Hero of Ferelden. “You’re my sister, Elissa,” Fergus said. “Of course I forgive you.” He felt his voice catch in this throat, and tears began to fall down his face. “I’m going to need you Elissa. I can’t, I can’t go through this again…I don’t know how I’m going to keep going, if, if…” He couldn’t even say the words. They were so terrible. 

Wordlessly, Elissa placed the baby in his crib and then walked over to Fergus and pulled him into a hug. “I wish I could promise you everything is going to be fine. But we both know that no one can make those promises. But Fergus, no matter what happens, you have a son who needs you. And he’ll need you even more if…if he doesn’t have his mother. I will do everything I can to help. Alistair will do everything he can to help. But you have to be strong for your son.”

“I can’t…”

“You can. You can do anything.”

**

Elissa convinced Fergus to leave Tatiana’s side that evening and get some sleep. It didn’t take much convincing. No matter what his heart wanted, his body needed sleep. The next morning, he was actually feeling a bit better. His courier seemed to be making good time, if he got to Elissa so quickly. Surely, Irving would arrive soon.

Fergus walked into his bedroom and immediately felt like he had walked into a brick wall. The bed was empty. 

Why would they move her? Why had no one come and gotten him? Was she even still alive? His mind was racing as he ran to the nursery to check on his son. He opened the door and there was, standing for the first time since her water broke, watching over her son sleeping in his crib.

“Oh Maker.” Fergus had to lean against the wall to remain standing. 

Tatiana looked up at his voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just had to see him.”

Fergus couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s not what I meant. Do you know how long you’ve been sick?” Tatiana shook her head. “Days,” he told her. “Nearly a week. I thought…it looked like…” He still couldn’t say it. He walked to her and pulled her into the tightest possible hug. 

“Oh Fergus, I’m so disgusting. I haven’t bathed, my hair is practically matted, and I’m all sweaty still.” Tatiana tried to end the hug, but Fergus wouldn’t let her.

“I don’t care,” Fergus whispered. He kissed the top of her head, then moved down to her face, and her neck. “I don’t care. All I care about is you still being here. Do you remember anything?”

Tatiana smiled. “I remember you. Sitting next to me. Holding my hand. Getting me water. Changing my compress. It all blurs together, but I remember that you were there the whole time.” Tatiana looked back at their sleeping son. “I was thinking about Bryce, after your father.”

Fergus smiled. “I would like that.”

“And…” Tatiana hesitated a little. “I was also thinking Oren for a middle name. If that’s all right with you.”

Fergus didn’t even try to fight the tears streaming down his face. “Bryce Oren Cousland. It sounds perfect.” 

He pulled Tatiana back into a hug and listened to her breathing against his chest. Life was indeed perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I began posting this story last year and I actually finished it fairly quickly. However, life got in the way, so I decided to post the remaining chapters today and not worry about rewriting or editing too much. I figure if I waited for it to be perfect it would never be done.


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